had a choice to make. And no matter what road I chose, there would only be one thing waiting for me at the end of it.
Pain.
Chapter Eleven
Ethan
Freezing rain pounded against the window panes of the school. I was sure by tonight, it would turn to snow.
Candles hovered overhead, powered by Lord Lucien’s telepathy magic. They were the only source of light within the stone classroom. Conversation was quiet today. I huddled against my desk and tried not to shiver.
Cold. Everything felt so cold lately. The demon snarled as it curled against my bones. I barely remained focused as Lord Lucien carried a box around the room. Flowers levitated out of the box and landed in front of each student.
“As you all know by now, Shadow Work is necessary for all fae to master,” Lucien said. “It is the magical art of forgiving yourself— of moving on from your past, and letting go of your deepest troubles. Even as Seelie fae, all of us have a dark side. In order to progress, both in our lives and in our magic, we must be willing to face it. Since the beginning of the semester, you’ve all been working on journal entries detailing your worst mistakes and greatest traumas. Today, we’ll use magic to face them.”
I suppressed a hiss. I was failing this class. I was failing every class— but Shadow Work was by far the worst. My journal, which was supposed to be full of entries by now, was a mess of scribbled nonsense. Lucien didn’t read the journals, thank the gods, but I was expected to put down something, so I’d mostly filled the pages with things like notes from other classes, daily to-do lists, and personal reminders instead of the shadows I was supposed to be facing.
As Lucien passed by my desk, a flower hovered out of it. The leshane chuckled with glee as my emotions turned black. My lip curled upward. A white rose. How ironic.
Everyone else had gotten a carnation, an aster, a daisy or a lily. I was the singular person who’d received a rose. Lucien put the empty box down on his desk as he returned to the head of the room. “Your shadow self holds all your darkest fears, worries, and troubles. It is what causes you to judge others, as well as yourself. It is where the guilt from your past lies. Exceptional fae are not made unless they have achieved the ability to move on from their past. Shadow Work never ends, as we all have to live with our darkness, but if the shadow inside of you grows too strong, it can take over your magic and ruin your life. This class is essential for you to learn how to manage it.”
Lucien hovered an aster in front of his face. “Observe. I acknowledge my past. I face what has been haunting me. I accept it without allowing myself to become it. I realize that the shadows are a part of me, but they do not make up who I am. I ask the shadows of these feelings to flow into the flower. If the spell is performed correctly, all the petals will fall from the flower, and the stem will vanish.”
We watched carefully as the petals from the aster began trailing to the floor. The stem vanished in a puff of smoke. Lucien took a deep breath— his shoulders appeared lighter.
“You might not be able to catch the hang of the spell the first time, but if you have gotten one petal to fall, it is an accomplishment. It shows you are willing to move on from the past and go onward toward the future,” Lucien said. “I expect all of you to make some progress today.”
I heard journal pages turning as people got to work. I didn’t bother opening mine. I hovered the rose in front of me and tried to concentrate. I personally thought this class was a load of horseshit, but that wouldn’t help keep up appearances.
Although the things I regretted weren’t listed in my journal, they were in my head— they never left.
Losing my leg.
Killing my father.
Hurting Emma.
These were the three things I couldn’t face myself on, no matter how hard I tried. Thinking about letting them go was almost as painful as continuing to live with them. Forgiving myself felt like allowing myself to go free from the crime of committing these past sins, and as far as I was concerned, I deserved to be locked up