The rose continued to spin in midair, unaffected. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched as petals dropped from the flowers of other classmates.
Bile rose in my throat. I was so disgusted with myself. I couldn’t get a singular petal to drop. This was just as bad as Communing with the Gods.
I switched tactics and tried to start with something small. What was the tiniest thing I hadn’t forgiven myself for?
More memories popped up. Losing the crown. Failing to keep Eli as a brother and friend. But those were too big. I needed something smaller.
Then it came to me. It was an old memory. My mother scolding me as a child. I’d spilled milk on the floor at a dinner party, and she’d whacked me across the back of the head before several guests. Why can’t you be more careful? Princes aren’t so clumsy.
So many had stared. I’d barely been six, but still, the embarrassment of the moment flushed over me like yesterday. I was so young then. I wouldn’t be upset at a child now for a simple mistake, but yet, I felt I deserved to be punished for causing such a small error.
Lucien walked by my desk to observe my progress. I tried to forgive myself for spilling the milk in front of the guests. I tried to let that go. A singular white petal wobbled on the rose, but it didn’t fall.
“You’re holding on to having control, but control is the greatest illusion of all,” Lucien lectured. “Learn to break it.”
I was highly aware I was holding myself up to impossible standards, but Lucien didn’t understand. I was a prince. The smallest mistake in our world caused people to die. I had to be perfect, if only to protect the ones I loved.
There was no room for error. Not as a member of the royal family. I’d learned that as a result of losing the crown. People were dying now because Elijah was in power, and it was all my fault.
I must’ve not tried hard enough. If I truly wanted to be king, truly desired it, I would’ve grasped it in my hands. The fact that the kingdom was withering away under Elijah’s hand was my doing.
I had the thought that I could never let go of what I did. I hated myself for everything.
The rose turned black and wilted right before my eyes. Black ash fluttered to the table from the ruined rose.
Lucien frowned. “Ethan, if you do not confront and acknowledge your past, it will continue to hold you back.”
“I don’t have any power over what’s already taken place.”
“But you do have power over today. Let that sink into your mind.”
Lucien gave me another flower, this one a plain daffodil. I tried again, but wasn’t able to get any petals to fall.
At least this one didn’t wilt. I shoved it into my bag when class was dismissed and left in a sour mood.
Lucien’s words had struck a nerve. He had taught me how to become mobile again after I’d lost my leg, but as far as I was concerned, that’s where his help ended. He wanted me to deal with— and accept— my darkness.
I could never forgive myself for losing my leg, for causing my father’s death. If Lucien wanted that from me, he’d only be met with disappointment. Because that’s all I was— a gigantic, enormous failure.
A mass of blonde curls bounced in my vision, and I nearly crashed into the person in front of me. “Chastity, what are you doing?”
She’d run into me on purpose, I was sure. A big smile spread across her face, and I was reminded why we’d broken up— her tireless enthusiasm had been far too much for me to handle. “I have some free time. I was thinking we’d catch up.”
Surprisingly, the leshane hated her. He reveled in anyone who caused me discomfort, but apparently, Chastity was the one exception to that rule. A twinge of annoyance ran clear through from him to me as I said, “I hardly think that’s appropriate.”
“Come on.” She rolled her eyes. “Where’s your sense of adventure? You didn’t give us a real chance, Ethan. And I think it’s time you reconsidered.”
I took a step back from her. “As you well know, I’m mated to Emma.”
Her smile fell slightly. “Yes, but didn’t you guys break up? You know it was a mistake choosing her for the King’s Contest. I thought we could pick up