you’re skipping class. You went to the rock garden. This isn’t you.”
I shook my head and stood up. My side ached. Eleven stitches were holding me together, and every move had a bone-deep ache wrecking my body. “I’m fine,” I reiterated.
“Stop saying you’re fine when you’re not!” Mom was yelling now, which was something she rarely did. She was a quiet force. White hot tears streamed down my face, and I swatted them away like they were mosquitos. “Maybe you should stay home a few more days? Do you need to talk to someone?”
“I want Violet, Mom. I want my best friend back. I want my routine back. I want to go to school and see her standing by my locker with the latest gossip. I want to wake up from this fucking nightmare I’m in. Because it doesn’t feel real. It doesn’t feel fair. I saw her battered body in the woods. Blood everywhere. I chased off a pig with her flesh in its mouth. I can’t close my eyes without seeing her lifeless eyes. Violet’s gone, Mom. So right now, I’m a little bit of a mess. I’m a little bit reckless. I just need you to stop asking me to talk about my feelings, because if I talk about how much it fucking hurts to imagine a future without her in it, then I won’t ever feel okay again. College. Weddings. Babies. I have an entire life ahead of me, and she has nothing. Nothing.”
I broke down, collapsing to my knees on the hospital ground. My side burned at the movement, but I welcomed the pain. Did Violet feel anything when she died? Was she hurting? Did she pass peacefully or with a fight? Mom sobbed while crouching beside me. Her arms wrapped me in a crushing hug, and the pain of her comfort stung more than my wounds. It all hurt. It hurt so fucking much.
“Okay, baby. If you want me to stop asking, I will. But let’s check in with each other, okay? You don’t have to go through this alone,” she promised. “I just want to help you, and I don’t know how.”
I wiped my face with the back of my hand and sobbed more. I didn’t know how to help myself, either. I just knew I needed to figure out what happened to her.
My bedroom felt like a shrine to Violet. Pictures of us covered the walls. Her clothes were in my closet. Her makeup bag was on my dresser. Even the calming white walls and pale blue bedding couldn’t tame the storm in my heart. Mom had taken me home and gone back to the hospital to finish her shift, and Dad was taking inventory at the shop. I had welcomed the silence. In fact, I was looking forward to a secluded night alone with my thoughts. But of course, I wasn’t allowed to wallow. I was lying down and sulking when my door opened. Chase walked in like a ball of fire, storming into my room as I lay on my mattress.
“Your mom called me. What the fuck were you thinking? You could have been killed, Breezy.”
Chase stood over me, and I let out a sigh. “I just wanted to talk to him. I went surfing. Got hurt. No big deal.”
“It’s a big fucking deal, Breeze.”
I sat up with a wince before glaring at him. “I know it was a big deal. I’m not in the mood to discuss it. I’m not in the mood to be yelled at—again—for being reckless. And I’m not in the mood to discuss anything Violet-related for the rest of the night. I want to just sit here and not think about anything. So if you’re here to yell at me, feel free to march your ass right back out that door.”
Chase dropped his mouth open in shock and stared at me with wide eyes. I returned his incredulous look with a pointed stare. “I don’t think you’ve ever talked to me like that.” I rolled my eyes. I was usually the docile sheep standing in the corner of a party. But I didn’t want to be her right now. I glared harder. “Fine!” Chase exclaimed. “Let’s just sit here, then.” He moved over to sit on the bed and picked at his nails beside me.
My chest flared with emotion. It wasn’t even fair that it took a tragedy to get Chase alone in my bedroom. It wasn’t even fair that I was having thoughts about