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still burning with so much anger and fear—wanted to agree with Kai. But this was his brother. This year has taught me that, in the end, we aren’t a collection of the things we’ve done wrong. We aren’t even a collection of the good, either. We’re just souls traveling through time. Trying to survive. Trying to find love and meaning and happiness. We’re all just temporary blips on a big, spinning sphere. Lex was fucked up. He did really bad things. But grief wasn’t one-dimensional. Despite the many opinions from experts and the books and the steps you were supposed to take, grief was fluid. Everchanging. It didn’t have to make sense. Death was one of the few places where hate and love could shake hands and have appreciation for one another.
“Okay,” Kai whispered. “Let’s go.”
The three of us sat at the kitchen table, staring at the metal urn in the middle. My head ached, my body craved rest. The three of us ate takeout in silence, staring at the remains of the man that almost took me from this world and was partly responsible for Violet’s demise.
“Did you go anywhere fun?” Chase asked. He’d been surprisingly patient throughout this entire ordeal. I didn’t expect him to help Kai. Especially considering the connection Lex had to Violet’s death.
“Not really. Once Mom died, we didn’t have time for fun.”
“What about before she died?” I asked.
Kai took a bite of his fried catfish and chewed it while thinking over his answer. “There, uh, was a park. Mom used to take us to it. I think the city tore it down though.”
“What park?” Chase asked.
“The one off Main and Third.”
“No shit? Violet, Breeze, and I used to go there too. We’d spin on the tire swings,” Chase said excitedly, making Kai’s face fall.
“I suppose it wouldn’t feel right spreading his ashes there, since you and Violet used to go.”
“Nonsense,” Chase replied. “That was before all this.” Chase gestured to the urn by way of explanation. “Before my sister dated fucking he-who-shall-not-be-named. Before your brother became a fucking drug lord psychopath. Before Breeze saw me get my dick sucked by Celeste—”
“Please don’t remind me,” I teased. Chase was obviously trying to lighten the mood, but Kai tensed. I hadn’t exactly told Kai that I saw this, but there was no going back now.
Chase chuckled before continuing. “All I’m saying is, the park seems like the perfect place. It weirdly connects us all. It reminds you of a happier time with Lex—before he became a murderous psycho. We all went there when we were kids. When we were naive and innocent and thought we could fly on the swing set.”
“Let’s go,” I said.
“What, now?” Kai asked. He looked shocked, like he wasn’t quite ready for such an easy solution.
“Yes. Let’s put Lex to rest and unburden you from the weight of his ashes.”
We piled into Chase’s car, the guys letting me lean on them to support my leg and taking great care to help me slowly settle in the front seat. Chase navigated us to where the park used to be, but it was a nail salon now. He swung his car into a parking spot and ran over to my side to help me out of the ridiculously low passenger seat. We all slowly headed to the back of the salon for some privacy.
Kai had a faraway look in his eye. “One time, Lex brought me here without Mom. We rode our bikes. It started raining, and we ended up standing under the pavilion, counting lightning strikes. I remember just waiting for one to flash across the sky so that we could add it to our total.”
I could tell that this was one of Kai’s only good memories of his brother. I felt an enormous amount of sadness watching him struggle to come up with even that. I didn’t have any siblings, Violet and Chase were the closest things I had, and my childhood memories with them overflowed with laughter and love.
“I think that’s how you should try to remember your brother. Remember him as the boy who you counted lightning strikes with,” I said as I wove my fingers into Kai’s.
“Yeah. I think that would make Mom happy,” he said as he unscrewed the top of the urn. There weren’t really a lot of options for sprinkling his ashes in the concrete jungle that was the strip mall. Chase jogged off for a moment and came back just as fast.
“There’s a place that