Wearing this shirt all day was tempting, but that would make me creepy. I pulled it off and started to throw it into the dirty clothes hamper and stopped. I dropped it onto my bed instead. I was sleeping in it tonight, and I wasn’t going to let myself think about how weird that was.
Agreeing to go over to his house again so soon was probably a bad idea. It made things appear as if they were moving too fast. I had to protect my heart with this man. I already knew he had the power to shatter me. But when he had said he wasn’t seeing London anymore, I had caved.
Knowing he didn’t want to be a part of the world she lived in eased my mind. Tripp never spoke of his parents, and they didn’t live in Rosemary Beach. They hadn’t been in Rosemary since Jace’s funeral. But summer would be back soon. What if they returned? Tripp hadn’t had to deal with them yet. Would they push him? Would he run away again? I couldn’t get onto his bike and ride away. Even if he asked me to. My life was here. My job, my friends, my security blanket. Everything was here.
Protecting myself wasn’t going to be easy. It wouldn’t take much for me to lose myself in Tripp again. Just like last night: sleeping in his arms had come as naturally as breathing. It had felt right.
My heart wasn’t safe with him. Even if my body had other ideas.
Today I needed space. I would do my usual routine and distance my thoughts from Tripp.
While shopping for groceries, I bought dill-flavored Pringles and peanut-butter-cup ice cream just in case Tripp came over. Those were his favorite snacks, or they had been when he was eighteen. As I cleaned my apartment, I made a note of things I needed to get to make the place look better. Like a blanket to go over the sofa and maybe some new curtains for the windows. I also cleaned things I rarely noticed, like the baseboards and the fronts of the cabinets. I scraped the paint that was peeling and sanded the wall. I hung a wedding photo that Della had sent me of her, Blaire, Harlow, and me over the spot.
Instead of splurging on paper towels, fabric softener, deli turkey meat, and triple-ply toilet paper, I used that money to buy the body wash and lotion I had been coveting at the new shop in town. Then I picked up a bouquet of daisies before I went to the beach.
It wasn’t until my feet hit the warm sand that I realized all the choices I had made today revolved around Tripp. I stopped just before I reached the spot where I had stood the night Jace never came out of the water. Looking at the flowers clutched in my grip, I swallowed the lump in my throat.
Daisies had been the one thing about my time with Tripp that I hadn’t been able to let go of. They had been the first flowers anyone had ever given me. Tripp had arrived one night on his bike at my trailer to pick me up, and he had pulled a bouquet out of his jacket. They had been a little smashed, but to me, they had been perfect.
Once a week, Tripp had daisies waiting for me somewhere. I had found them in my locker at work, on my front porch, and at a table he’d reserved for us at the club one night. He’d told me daisies reminded him of me. They weren’t overdone and expected, like roses. They were beautiful and free. They lightened up a room, and although they appeared innocent, there was a wildness about them.
When Jace had given me roses the night he told me he couldn’t lose me and that I was more than just sex for him, that he loved me, I had told him that daisies worked better on me. From then on, he had gotten me daisies, never knowing his cousin had given me daisies first.
I walked the last few steps until I was back at the place where I’d lost my soul. Staring out at the water, I closed my eyes and let the wind and the sound of the waves wrap around me. A grave wasn’t where I wanted to imagine Jace. It was cold and dark in a grave. I believed his spirit stayed here near the ocean he loved. This place made him happy. It was where he’d want to be.
“I brought daisies,” I said. The beach was empty, and my words drifted off in the wind. “I know it was you who always gave me daisies, but I needed to bring them to you today.” I paused and took a deep breath. “Because I need to tell you something. I want you to understand, and I need your forgiveness.
“I never told you why I loved daisies. You always made jokes about me not wanting roses. I should have let you give me roses. But I loved daisies.”
The wind blew some petals loose as I stood there, watching the waves crash against the sand. “I loved daisies because, before you, before us, I had a love that was big. One that was so big it held on all these years, even though you came into my life and found a part of my heart I didn’t know was left and claimed it. You don’t know it, but you saved me . . . twice.
“I don’t want you to think I wasn’t completely with you when you held me, because I was. The love that had found me before was there, but my heart was yours then. It was us. I didn’t know how to tell you about Tripp . . .”
A daisy blew free of my grasp, and I watched it drift away, then tumble along the white sand before a wave pulled it out into the water.
“I hated him for leaving me. I hated him for things I shouldn’t have, because he was a kid, too, back then. There were misunderstandings and pain that ran deep. I was lost, and the girl I had been was gone. You found her and kept her from complete destruction, because that was the course I was on. We were perfect but for only a season. Because Tripp came back. And when he did, it tilted my world.
I waited for the tears to come, because they always did. But today there was no burn in my eyes. No pain in my chest.
“It should have been me who drowned that night. Not you. Me. But you didn’t let that happen, because, again, you saved me. I didn’t deserve to be saved, but you never seemed to see it that way.
“You took a piece of me when you left. That part of my heart that you claimed is still with you, out there. It always will be. You were my hero.”
I looked back down at the daisies in my hand and bent down to place them on the sand. I didn’t let them go yet, because the moment I did, they would blow away.
“He’s been patient with me. He’s watched over me when all I did was push him away. I’ve said hurtful things to him and wanted to hurt him as much as I was hurting, and he still didn’t leave. He just waited.
“When I needed to be saved from the darkness that losing you had put me through, he’s the one who saved me. He’s made me laugh again. He’s made me feel again. And I want to live again. If I live my life, that doesn’t mean I’ll forget you. That won’t happen. What we had will never leave me. You will never leave me.” I stood up, leaving the daisies on the sand until each of them was caught by the water and pulled away.
“Thank you, Jace Newark. For loving me, for saving me, for being my hero.”
One lonely tear caught my eyelash and rolled down my cheek. I didn’t wipe it away. It would be the last tear that I left here, and that made it special.
Tripp
Bethy’s eyes had closed thirty minutes ago, but I was still sitting there with her feet in my lap as she lay on my sofa, wearing a pair of cutoff sweats and a T-shirt that she’d brought to change into. She had been different tonight. Her smile had been easier, and there was a lightness to her laugh. Letting her close her eyes and go to sleep had been hard. I wanted to hear her voice and soak in the sound of her laughter.
When she’d arrived with a change of clothes, I’d sent her to the bathroom to take a shower. She had sagged in relief. I had fixed our plates from all the leftovers she’d brought home and listened to her tell me about her evening. When she’d told me that London was there with some guy, she had watched me carefully, as if it would upset me. I’d pulled her feet into my lap then and started my promised massage while teasing her about her long shower.