“I always come out here to get some fresh air before I go sit down for an hour of preaching,” I lied.
Beau chuckled and reached out to trace a line from my ear to my lips. “Why don’t I believe you?” he asked. His voice had deepened as he studied my mouth. All I could manage was a shrug. His thumb was delicately brushing over my bottom lip as if he were asking for admittance, and I was lost. We were standing right outside the church where anyone could walk out and catch us but all I could think about was pressing my lips against his. Beau was becoming a necessity and nothing about such a revelation could be considered positive.
“Beau, what are you doing?” I croaked out.
“Yeah, Beau, I’d like to know the same thing,” said a voice that didn’t belong to Beau.
Several things happened at once. Beau’s thumb stopped its caressing but he didn’t drop his hand. I could feel his body tense at the sound of Sawyer’s voice. What I should have done and what I did do were in two different stratospheres. Because stepping back and putting distance between Beau and me would be the logical, intelligent thing to do. Reaching out and grabbing his arm and squeezing it was my immediate reaction.
“Are either of you going to speak or just continue gawking at each other?”
The hard edge to Sawyer’s voice woke me up out of the trance I’d been in and I dropped my hand from Beau and took several steps back. If Sawyer was expected to keep his cool then we needed to put some space between the two of us. Beau’s eyes bore into me. He was silently pleading with me. I could almost hear his thoughts. Then he turned to face his cousin. This was the confrontation I’d hoped would never happen.
“What exactly are you insinuating, Sawyer?” Beau asked in a deadly calm tone I knew he’d never used with Sawyer.
“Oh, I don’t know, cuz, maybe the fact I came out here to look for my girlfriend and I found her being mauled by you.”
Beau took a step forward and a low growl rumbled in his chest. I ran up and grabbed his arm with both my hands. This probably didn’t help Sawyer’s temper any but it kept Beau from pummeling his face in. Both boys were in shape but Beau had the market on badass. I couldn’t let him do something he’d never forgive himself for.
Sawyer stared fixedly at me. I could only imagine what was going through his head. The sad thing was I knew he wouldn’t even get close to the truth. Sawyer would never imagine I’d lost my virginity to Beau in the bed of a truck.
“Want to tell me what’s going on, Ash?” There was hurt in his voice. I hated knowing the words I had to say to him wouldn’t erase this but only make it worse. I pushed Beau behind me as I stepped in front.
“Go on home, Beau. Sawyer and I need to talk and I don’t want you here.” Turning back to see Beau’s reaction was tempting but I didn’t do it. Instead I kept my eyes on Sawyer, praying silently that Beau heeded my orders and left. It was time I finished this and saved their friendship before it was too late.
“I don’t want to leave you alone,” he replied with steel laced through his words.
“Beau, please. You aren’t helping matters. Just go.”
Sawyer never took his eyes off me. He was trying so hard to read between the lines. I would have to tell him some truths. But just enough to keep from destroying his relationship with Beau.
The crunch of the dry grass under Beau’s boots told me he’d granted my wish and was headed for his truck. I’d won that battle. Now, the biggest one was staring me in the face and I had no idea what I was going to say.
Chapter 19
“Start at the beginning, Ash, and tell me everything.”
There was no way I’d tell him everything. I stared out at the road as Beau’s truck drove away. The silence was deafening as Sawyer waited for me to speak.
“This summer, Beau and I rekindled our friendship. We were close once, Sawyer, you know that.” I paused and took a deep breath. “He understands me. He knows when I’m full of bull crap and he knows I’m not perfect even though I try really hard to be. With Beau I can let myself go and not worry about losing his friendship.”
“So, this is a friends thing? Because the way he was caressing your mouth and eating you up with his eyes I find that a little hard to believe.”
“All it can ever be with Beau is friendship. He knows that. Beau is affectionate. He touches a lot of girls’ lips.”
Sawyer raised his eyebrows as if he thought what I was saying was ludicrous.
“I don’t know if we’re talking about the same guy but Beau, my cousin Beau, doesn’t longingly gaze at anyone the way I just caught him staring at you. You’re too naive to see it but trust me, baby, he wants you and I’m going to kick his ass.”
Okay, that wasn’t what I’d been aiming for. Blame on me not Beau. I needed to redirect this anger of his.
“You misunderstood what you saw. He was trying to talk me out of what I’d decided to do today. He believes you and I are supposed to be forever. I don’t think so. We’re young and I need space. I’m not ready to talk about marrying you one day. That scares me. There is so much life out there to live first. Beau thinks I’m making a mistake because he thinks you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. What you saw was your cousin trying to persuade me not to break up with you.”
The look of disbelief and shock that came over Sawyer’s face was a little insulting. Why was it so hard for him to believe I’d break up with him?
“You, you’re . . . breaking up with me?” He shook his head and stepped back away from me. His face had gone pale as if I’d just told him he’d never play football again. This wasn’t the end of the world.
“I pretend with you, Sawyer. I’m not the good girl you think I am. You love this fake Ashton. I’ve been striving to be worthy of you for so long and I’m exhausted. I don’t like returning the stupid buggies to the return place in the parking lot and I don’t like feeling as if I have to be good Samaritan to everyone I come across. Sometimes I just want to run off and worry about ME. I’m selfish and ornery and just a big ol’ fake. This girl you love and want to marry doesn’t exist.”