He nodded and took a deep breath, then started up the car. We pulled out slowly, made our way out of the parking lot, and headed home.
Grant went ahead of us and turned on her bedroom light. I waited outside the door, holding an alert and happy Lila Kate. She had woken up happy when we got her out of her car seat. She didn’t like being strapped down and seemed thrilled to be getting out of it.
“Welcome home,” I told her as we stepped into her room. I held her so she could see every part of her room. The huge unicorn that Dean Finlay had sent stood in the corner, and her little eyes kept going back to its bright colors. Grant motioned for me to sit in the glider.
“You need to rest. You can hold her, but sit while you’re doing it.”
He was back to taking care of me, and I knew after what he had been through, I had to let him. For a man who was scared of loving someone and losing them, he had grabbed on with both hands and held on tight. He hadn’t allowed me to give up. When I’d been trying so hard to open my eyes in the hospital room, I’d heard his voice. I don’t accept that I won’t get forever with you.
I hadn’t accepted it, either. At that moment, I had known I’d open my eyes. He had needed me to, and I had been ready to see our baby girl.
My sweet Lila Kate,
Today we brought you home from the hospital. I’ve been wrapped up in your beautiful face for the past week. I wasn’t there right away for you. It was just you and Daddy for the first two and a half days. But I came back. I opened my eyes. I missed your daddy, and I couldn’t wait to meet you.
We have so many things to experience together. I look forward to the day you say your first word and the day you take your first steps. I imagine your daddy and I will be a mess when we take you to your first day of kindergarten. When you tell me about your first crush. When I roll your hair for your first dance. When I see you in your cap and gown as you graduate from high school and go on to achieve great things.
But right now, I want to hold you and kiss each of your little toes. I want to read you the books I filled your room with. I look forward to our sleepless nights together and the times you spit up all over me and I have to change. Those little things won’t be a chore or difficult for me. I will embrace them, because I almost didn’t get to experience them at all.
So you take your time growing up. I don’t want to rush a thing. I want to savor every moment. The good, the messy, and the messier. Bring it on, Lila Kate, because I look forward to every minute of it.
Love you always,
Mommy
Grant
Harlow was bathing, and I was on Lila Kate duty. She was sleeping peacefully, but Harlow didn’t like for her to wake up and cry because we weren’t there. Harlow said she was scared, and she wanted to make sure we were there.
I laid the stack of letters wrapped in the red satin ribbon down in front of me on the bed. I was almost afraid to look at the descriptions on each one. I didn’t want to think about the circumstances in which I would have to read these. It hurt even to think about. But Harlow had written these letters for me.
One was labeled for the day after her funeral. One was for the first time I took care of Lila Kate alone. One was for the day she started kindergarten. One was for the day I thought I could love again. That one I wasn’t going to be able to open, because that day would have never come. I couldn’t love someone else or even try to, because it wouldn’t have been fair to that person. In my heart, it would have always been Harlow. No one could take her place. And every time our daughter smiled up at me, I would be able to see her mother and remember the sacrifice she made so this perfect little girl could have a life.
“You’re being quiet. Are you asleep?” Harlow called out from her bath.
I picked up the letters and walked to the bathroom. She noticed them immediately, and a smile touched her lips. If I didn’t have her, these letters would have been golden. But she was here.
“Are you going to read them?” she asked.
I looked down at them and then back at her. “No,” I replied. “I don’t need to. They were for a Grant who didn’t have his Harlow. I have my Harlow. That Grant doesn’t exist. The broken, empty man you wrote these to will never exist. But I’m going to keep them. Pack them away. Maybe one day, we’ll pull them down and remember. Just not today.”
She tilted her head to the side, and a wet curl brushed her neck. “You wouldn’t have been empty. Lila Kate would have filled the emptiness I left behind.”
Maybe she would have. But she never could have made up for the fact that the women who owned my soul was gone. “Lila Kate will always be my baby girl. I will cherish and love her until the day I die. But you . . . you’re the love of my life. You’re my forever. I’ll grow old loving you.”
Harlow sighed, but it was a happy sigh. “You are a smooth talker, Grant Carter. A real smooth talker.”
“Harlow?”
She sat up in the water. “Yes?”
“Will you marry me?”
She giggled and held up her ring finger, which had the diamond ring on it. “We already did this. Remember? I said yes.”
“Tomorrow. Will you marry me tomorrow?”
She looked at me a moment like I had lost my mind. “We just got home from the hospital.”