She smiled. “Then she needs to wear what her mommy picked out. I did find something, though. Actually, a lot of somethings. I don’t know if you know about them,” Blaire said, holding up a sealed envelope. It was Harlow’s stationery. I had seen her write on it many times. “There are a bunch of these, but this was the only loose one, and it was addressed to you, so I brought it. Maybe it wasn’t meant for you to read yet, but with things like they are now, I think it might help you. I’ll leave it here for you to read later.” She stepped closer to peer down at Lila Kate. “She’s perfect. Absolutely perfect.”
I already knew that, but hearing her agree with me made my chest swell with pride. “She looks like her mother. She had no choice but to be perfect,” I said, thinking of how I needed to get back to Harlow.
“Have Mase and Kiro seen Harlow?” I asked.
She nodded. “Mase is still in there. His mother is with him. She asked about Lila Kate, and I told her you were with her now. I think Harlow’s important to her. Anyway, you may have to kick Mase out.”
I was glad she wasn’t alone. While I was with Lila Kate, I wanted someone to be with Harlow.
“Rush said you told the doctor Harlow was your fiancée. We weren’t sure if you were just saying that or—”
“I proposed to her earlier in the evening the night this all happened. She said yes,” I said, swallowing against the emotion that came from remembering Harlow’s smile. She’d been so happy. I had been f**king thrilled. Then it had all gone to hell.
“Congratulations,” Blaire said, smiling at me. “I was wondering when that was going to happen. I can’t wait to see her ring and help her make plans.” The one thing I loved about Blaire was that she didn’t think the worst. She was positive. She believed in Harlow, too. I needed that right now.
“Thanks. I’m anxious to see it on her hand again,” I said as I gazed down at the little girl in my arms. “I’m even more anxious to see Lila Kate in her arms.”
“If you want to go back to Harlow, I’ll hold Lila Kate and stay with her. I can rock her as long as you need me to. I won’t leave her alone,” Blaire offered.
I wanted to read that letter, and I wanted to get back to Harlow.
“OK, yeah, that would be great. I don’t want to stick her back in that thing until they make me.”
“I don’t blame you. She’s seen enough of that thing.” Blaire reached for her, and I froze. She was standing up. I didn’t want anyone to stand up and hold her. It was a long way to the floor.
“What’s wrong?” Blaire asked.
“I’m, uh . . . I just . . . I don’t want you to drop her.”
Blaire’s eyes went wide, then she broke out into a huge smile. “I think I can manage not to drop her. But if it makes you feel better, you can keep your hands under her until you feel safe. God knows Rush did that enough with Nate. I’m used to it.”
She had successfully not dropped her kid for almost a year, so I decided to trust her. I handed Lila Kate over to her slowly and with extreme care. When I was sure she had a good hold on her, I moved my hands under her, then stood up slowly and stayed in the catch position until Blaire was sitting safely in the rocker.
“Success,” Blaire said teasingly.
“Thanks for staying with her. I’ll be back later. They may come in here and put her back in the incubator, but if you wouldn’t mind sitting and watching her, I’d appreciate it. She likes to be talked to while she’s in that thing.”
Blaire nodded. “Got it. We will chat. I got this. Go on, Daddy.”
I reached for the letter she had laid down when she walked in and headed out the door. I stopped to let the nurse know I’d left Lila Kate with her aunt, then headed for the elevators.
To the love of my life,
If you’ve found this letter, then I’m not at home with you and our little girl. I hope I’ve told you where to find all the letters I left behind, but if I didn’t, I’m glad you found them now.
I know I told you I would make it and that I was strong enough. I was determined enough to get through this. I had hoped that if I believed it hard enough, I would be able to get through it.
Forgive me. I never wanted to leave you. I wanted that life we talked about. I wanted to hold our little girl and watch Lila Kate take her first steps with you. I wanted all those things. If you’re reading this now, I didn’t get those things, but I did have you.
I knew what it was like to be loved by you. My life may have been cut short, but in that life, I had the love of a man who made me feel special and cherished. I knew the joy of feeling his baby move inside of me. I was able to watch his face while he felt our little girl kick me and the moment he heard her heart beat the first time. The look on your face was one of those moments all women deserve. I got something that people spend their lives looking for. I couldn’t have asked for more. You made every day new and exciting. Being with you made me feel safe and loved. Giving you the gift of our little girl was something I got to do.
Not having her was something I never considered. I couldn’t. I loved her the moment I knew I was pregnant. She was us. And now that you can hold her and see her, you understand. How could I give her up to save myself?
You gave me the moments in life that are worth living for. You made my life this bright, shining, wonderful world. Thank you for that. Thank you for everything. I love you, Grant Carter. Every time you look into our daughter’s face, know that I love you both.
There are more letters. The ones I haven’t tied up yet are letters I wrote about our experience during my pregnancy, and they are all to Lila Kate. It tells her everything I was feeling, and I want you to read them to her when she’s old enough to understand.
Then there’s a stack of letters tied in a pink ribbon. Each is labeled. They’re for specific events and moments in Lila Kate’s life. She won’t have me there, but she will have my love and my words.