She nodded. “Yes, we will do it right now.”
I glanced back at Harlow one more time before stepping out of the room and heading back to the NICU.
My sweet Lila Kate,
Life in your beautiful room must make you feel like the princess you are. I know Daddy loves your sweet face and kisses it often. Smile for him. Give him a reason to smile again. If I’m not there with you, be his strength, and teach him that loving someone is a chance we all take, but life without love means nothing. If he didn’t take a chance, he wouldn’t have you in his arms right now.
I don’t know if I’ll get a chance to tell you this story in person, so I want to tell you now. It’s one my daddy told me a long time ago. I held it close to me all my life, and it made me brave. It got me through some tough times, and I want you to understand how you play a really important part in this story.
Once upon a time, there was this princess. She was loved in her kingdom for her heart. They didn’t care about her outer beauty. It was the inside that mattered to them. But one day, she was cursed by a very jealous evil queen. She was put into a deep sleep. To wake her up, the one man in all the world who loved her most had to be waiting for her. If she knew he was there waiting, she would open her eyes for him. But there’s a part of that story that my daddy left out. A part I think is most important.
The man who loved her most in the world was there, but she didn’t have to open her eyes, because she had left him a gift. A special, beautiful baby girl to love him and take care of him. A reason for him to live his life full of happiness. So there was no reason for the princess to open her eyes. She knew that if it was too hard to wake up, then she would be leaving behind love and joy instead of sadness.
If I’m reading this to you, the princess was able to open her eyes this time. But if I’m not, I know she left the man who loved her the most with someone he loved just as much.
Love you always,
Mommy
Grant
She needed me to hold her. She needed to know she was loved. But she was so small, and Harlow wasn’t here to help me do this right. What if I did it wrong? I didn’t want to hurt her.
“Just sit down in the rocker, and I’ll bring her to you all bundled up in a blanket. You look nervous, but that’s normal, especially for new daddies,” the nurse said as she opened the incubator. Lila Kate started kicking happily, and her thumb came out of her mouth, as if she was ready for this and needed both hands.
The nurse changed her diaper, which also looked confusing as hell, then wrapped her up tight in a blanket. When she went to pick her up, I held my breath and jumped up to put my hands under hers in case she dropped my baby.
The nurse chuckled. “I won’t drop her. I promise,” she said, smiling at my sudden reaction to seeing Lila Kate moved from the safety of her box.
I forced myself to back up and sit down in the rocking chair.
“See how I’m holding her so I’m supporting her head? She needs that. She can’t hold her head up by herself, so you support it with your arms and hold her close to you. She’s a preemie and needs the warmth. She also needs the bonding. You’ve done a great job with her, sitting and letting her hold your finger, but she needs more than that now. You can hold her as long as you want. If you don’t feel comfortable standing up with her, you can press that button on the wall beside you. and I’ll walk you through it. But you’ve got to learn how to do this on your own.”
I would be taking her home one day. The nurse didn’t say that, but I knew that was what she meant. I hadn’t allowed myself to imagine taking Lila Kate home without Harlow. It wasn’t something I wanted to consider. Now there was a chance I would have to take our daughter home without her. I didn’t want that. I wanted her mother with us. I wanted my family.
“You ready?” she asked.
I nodded. I had to be ready. I was Lila Kate’s daddy.
She placed the little bundle in my arms, and her clean baby scent hit my nose. Her little eyes studied me as she gazed up at me.
“I’ll leave you two alone. Buzz if you need me,” the nurse said, then left us.
I cuddled her close to my chest, and it was amazing how little she weighed. She felt like a feather. Her small thumb found her mouth again.
“I just saw Mommy. She hasn’t opened her eyes yet, but she’s going to. She wants to, because she wants to see you so much. We just have to be patient. Give her time to heal. The first thing she’s going to want to do is hold you. I better enjoy this now, because once she wakes up, she may never let you go. I can’t wait to see my two favorite girls together. It’ll be the prettiest picture in the world.”
Lila Kate frowned and puckered up like she was about to cry. I wasn’t sure what to do with crying babies, but it was time I figured it out. I pulled her up higher on my chest and tucked her toward me. Then we rocked.
The motion soothed her, and the puckered pre-cry look went away. Her little eyes started to slowly close.
And as if it was the most natural thing in the world, I sang to her. Every lullaby I could think of as I rocked her. Long after her little eyes closed and she turned her face to bury it in my chest, I continued to sing to her.
A knock on the door interrupted my singing, and I looked up as Blaire stuck her head in the room. She looked unsure, but she eyed Lila Kate like she wanted to get a hold of her. Too bad I wasn’t handing her over.
“I brought the bags from the house Harlow had packed. I searched the drawers for anything smaller for Lila Kate to wear home, but there wasn’t anything for preemies.”
“She’s wearing what Harlow bought her. It’ll work. Harlow picked it out,” I said.