The truth of the matter was, I wasn’t in the mood to work on his speech. All I really wanted to do was enjoy the small measure of warmth from being in his arms. Sitting on the couch cuddling with my boyfriend helped me keep my fear at bay. When Leif left, I would have to go to my room alone.
The thought of facing my room after my experience in the hall today terrified me. Seeing Dank saunter away from me as if he were just another guy without a care in the world, while I stood bent over gasping for air had left me with a feeling of despair. I reached down and took Leif’s hand in mine. He was here. Granted he was no protection against psycho souls. Only Dank could stop that… that… whatever she was. But Dank wasn’t here. Leif was all I had and I wanted to bask in his presence a while longer. Leif held my hand in his and we sat in silence. I wasn’t even sure what we were watching. He would laugh out loud at times and the sound of it made me smile. I enjoyed seeing him happy.
Sometimes I forgot what happy felt like. The ringing of his phone broke into my thoughts and I jumped. I was on edge tonight.
He grinned. “It’s my phone, not the fire alarm. Jeesh, you’re jumpy tonight.” He reached into his pocket and slid it out.
“Hello?” he paused, “I’m at Pagan’s right now….I realize that, but I’m busy….We haven’t finished it yet.” Leif glanced down at me apologetically. “Okay, I’m on my way,” he said, frowning as he closed his phone. “That was my dad. He needs me to ride with him to drop mom’s car off at the mechanic’s. They’re going to work on it first thing in the morning. He can’t go to bed until he has dropped it off and he’s beat after working a double shift at the station.” I sat up and forced a smile. My mother wasn’t home yet and the thought of being alone made me want to curl up in a ball and cry. “Oh, yeah, um, go on. We can work on the speech tomorrow.”
He frowned and slipped a hand into my hair, brushing his thumb against my ear. “You look uptight. I hate to leave you all wound up.”
I smiled and shrugged. “I probably just need some sleep,” I lied, hoping he bought it. He bent down and kissed me softly. I slid my hands behind his neck and deepened the kiss. Leif took my face in his hands and tilted it to fit his perfectly. I soaked in the comfort of his closeness and his warmth. I knew I needed to let him go so he could go help his dad but I held on tighter. Letting him go meant he would leave and I would be alone. I pressed up against him without thinking about how my need for comfort would be misinterpreted for passion. A moan came from Leif’s chest and he gently pushed me back on the couch and covered me with his body.
We’d never let things go this far before. Dank always stood there, somewhere in the middle: an unseen force that had me holding Leif back at a distance. It would be wrong now to allow things to go any further. Leading Leif to believe we could go further in our relationship wasn’t fair to either of us. Dank would always be there in my mind. Leif deserved more than being second best. Even now as he pressed against me and his breathing sounded ragged, I felt nothing but security. His hand slid beneath my shirt and I knew it was time to stop. Just as he brushed the underside of my bra I broke away from the kiss.
“No,” I whispered and his hand slowly retreated. His breathing sounded labored and I could feel his heart thumping against mine. Slowly he sat up and reached for my hand to pull me up too. He ran a hand through his tousled blond hair and laughed shakily.
“Wow,” he said, smiling. I wasn’t sure what to say because “wow” wasn’t what I felt. “I’m sorry, I got carried away,” he apologized staring down at my shirt that was still hitched up just above my belly button. I tugged it down and smiled reassuringly at him. It wasn’t as if he’d just attempted to rape me.
“Don’t apologize. We just needed to stop. Your dad is waiting.”
Leif nodded, his expression still a little glazed over, and stood up. He slipped his jacket on and grabbed his books and keys.
“Are you going to be okay until your mom gets home?” he asked.
I wanted to laugh at the answer to that question. Instead, I nodded and smiled. It wasn’t like I could tell him a deranged soul wanted to kill me for reasons I didn’t understand.
The door closing behind Leif made the lead weight on my chest vibrate. I thought of going outside and standing in my yard so I could see other houses lit up and people inside them. Somehow, knowing other people where inside them sounded safe. I glanced back at the stairs and the thought of going up to my room made me tremble. I walked over and stood at the front door. I could stand here until my mom got home. If anything showed up I could take off running down the street and screaming. Granted, everyone would think I was mental, but still it would draw some attention.
“I don’t think such drastic measures will be necessary. Go on up to bed Pagan, I’ll be here.” I turned at the sound of Dank’s voice. Relief and anger washed over me simultaneously. I wanted to throw my arms around him but then I also wanted to punch him in his perfect nose.
“I’d prefer you do neither. Just go to bed.” His cold tone hurt worse than the fear. He wasn’t looking at me, but instead at a sports magazine Leif had left behind. His boots were propped up on the table as he reclined in a chair. Tears burned my eyes, but I would not cry in front of him. That was one humiliation I refused to give him. Instead I ran up the stairs.
The hot water washed away my tears as I stood in the shower much longer than necessary. In here my sobs were camouflaged. Once the tears stopped falling and all that was left was a hollow ache, I turned off the water, stepped out onto the white fluffy rug and wrapped a towel around me. I studied the girl in the mirror. Her eyes were red and puffy.
No amount of hot water could wash away the sadness they reflected. He was here and I was safe. I had something to be thankful for. Why he was here I didn’t have the courage to ask him. I did not want him to see me cry. I didn’t want him to know I’d just spent thirty minutes in the shower crying over him. He may have stolen my heart or had he taken my soul? I couldn’t be sure but I refused to let him have my pride too.
I wrapped the towel tighter around me and headed for my bedroom. I stepped inside knowing it would be empty. Dank didn’t want to be anywhere near me. A small part of me had hoped to find him sitting in the corner chair with his guitar in his hands. Fresh tears sprang to my eyes. I needed to get control over this agony or whatever it was. I reached for my cut-off sweats but I couldn’t bring myself to be near anything that reminded me of Dank and the nights he spent singing me to sleep. Instead, I took out my nightgown and slipped it over my head. It was pale pink. I smiled sadly, realizing that I’d never thought of that before. I immediately took it off and let it fall to the floor. I couldn’t wear it either. I opened my closet and pulled out a t-shirt I had of Leif’s and slipped it on. I could still smell Leif and it gave me a sense of power to be able to snub my noise at Dank and embrace Leif with my actions, even if my heart felt differently. I walked over to my bed and laid down, thinking of the music I wouldn’t hear.
The silence echoed through the house but I knew I wasn’t alone. He was watching. I didn’t want to close my eyes, hoping he would come to sit in his chair and play music just for me. The only sound I could hear was the slow drip of the faucet in the bathroom and the settling of the house. Had Dank not been downstairs, each small sound would have had me jumping and running for the door. However, with him watching over me I was able to close my eyes and be softly lulled to sleep by the silence.
Music drifted into my dreams. Hauntingly sweet music filled the hole torn in my heart. I smiled, reaching for the source of the sound but I found nothing. It was only a beautiful dream.
Chapter Eleven
The next morning Dank was gone. I expected it but I still ran downstairs in case he’d stayed. The days went by and Dank continued to ignore me. During the days at school he continued to flirt with Kendra. I had become invisible where he was concerned. At night he would walk into the living room around bedtime and sit on the couch without acknowledging me. Nothing made sense. No matter how many times I tried to get him to talk to me he remained silent. A person could only suffer a certain amount of humiliation and I’d reached my quota. If he wanted to ignore me then fine. I’d let him.
“I’m not taking no for an answer. If I have to personally come to your house and dress you and then have Wyatt pick you up and haul you over his shoulder to the concert, I will.
Do not doubt me.” Miranda stood with her hand on her hip and a determined set to her chin. Arguing with her when she was like this was pointless.
Wyatt chuckled. “I’ll haul her if I have to but maybe we should discuss the hauling part with Leif first. I’m not real sure he’s going to want me throwing his girl over my shoulder.”
Miranda waved a hand at him, “Whatever! He won’t make her do anything she doesn’t want to do. You’re going to have to haul her and I’m going to have to tackle Leif and sit on him while you make the get away.” I laughed and it surprised me how good it felt. “What is this about you sitting on me?” Leif asked as he walked up and slid his arm around my waist.
Miranda rolled her eyes. “I am trying to explain to Pagan that I’m not taking NO for an answer. She’s going to the concert tonight and that is final.”