treat others as you want to be treated. But I’d first consider not walking out.”
“What if what you call me being mean, treating you badly, is the same way I think I should be treated?” His voice dropped lower.
Sighing, she sat beside him. “Well, we’re laying it out here. Finally. Why don’t we discuss that? The roots of your self loathing. Starting with your mom’s hatred toward you. Something to do with your brother’s death. Why don’t you just tell me what happened?”
He nodded. “I don’t think my parents ever liked me.”
“Why would you say something like that?” Jody immediately challenged him. Setting her small hand on his wrist, she continued, “Despite the way you chose to introduce yourself, there is plenty to like, otherwise I would not be here. Come on, that should fortify your self-esteem right there. I don’t bother with petty bullshit. You are real, honest and genuine, whether you are wonderful or mean. Always authentic. Full of energy and verve. Talented. Why would you say your parents never liked you?”
“I was always fidgety and itching to do things. Anything at all. I was loud and rambunctious, demanding their time and attention and new things to do. I wouldn’t behave for my mom. Anytime. Anywhere.”
Snort. “Oh, so you were like a usual kid? Perhaps some effective discipline and boundaries could have sufficed. If your mother failed to apply them, that was her issue, not yours, since you were only a kid.”
“I got into lots of trouble, although I don’t remember being vindictive. I mean, I don’t think I intended to be bad. But I was always getting into trouble. Being yelled at. I annoyed them. Especially my mother. I don’t think she wanted me when she got pregnant. Without a doubt, she didn’t like me. I didn’t imagine that, Jody.”
“Okay, probably not,” Jody conceded. “Maybe she was an awful woman who should never have had kids. Not all people make good parents.”
“Nah. Roland proved otherwise.”
“Your brother?”
He smiled before it faded. “Yeah.”
She sucked in air and leaned forward to take his hand. “What was Roland like?”
“My polar opposite. Quiet. Introspective. Small. Kind of mousy. He might have been bullied or picked on if I weren’t his brother. That’s about the only thing I did do right; I didn’t tolerate anyone fucking with Roland. All the playgrounds and parks and schools were aware of that. I was bigger and tougher…” The ghost of a smile touched his lips. “I was pretty well known for being mean.”
Jody let out a small laugh. “In that particular case, I’m glad you were.”
“And my mother adored Roland. He was the baby that I never was for her. Well behaved, mannerly, and always trying to be near her. He was a mama’s boy for sure. I resented it sometimes, but if you knew Roland, it was so hard not to love him. I understood my mom’s feelings. I loved Roland too, despite being crazy jealous.”
“Ross?” Jody’s voice cracked. “You are a good person. You were a good boy, and you loved your brother. Hear the truth in that. Your mother should have loved and cared for both of you equally, exactly as you both were. That was her job as a mother. Not your job to understand it as a son.”
“Your words make sense, but my heart still blames me. I was rotten to the core or something very bad.”
“No!” Jody’s voice was sharp and loud. Clear. Honest. And simple.
“I almost wish I could believe it.”
“What happened to Roland?”
Ross shuddered. “He was three years younger than me. And he always wanted to tag along with me and my friends. We usually ditched him and told him to go away.” He sucked in his sinuses and Jody gripped his hand tighter, realizing the worst part of his story was coming. “If I could undo that now, I’d give my life to have him back. I’d make him feel welcome and show how much I did love him… He was just a little kid brother. And—”
“And you were just an older brother who got annoyed with your kid brother. Totally normal.”
“Well, Mom never thought so. She’d scold me and… well, looking back, she said the wrong things for a mother say to her child. Your mother would never speak the way my mother did to me if it were you or JayJay. But at the time I thought I deserved her wrath. I even agreed with her. Anyway, one day, my two friends and I took