Zenith in Love (Zenith Series #5) - Leanne Davis Page 0,94

heard about his past, which he couldn’t help, stayed with him. He’d suffered as if they’d fully turned on him. It had left him feeling so alone that he was sure the entire world hated him, or they would if they ever found out. The shame and guilt he endured was deep and long-lasting. Only God and religion offered him redemption and an escape from those stubborn feelings of inadequacy.

But Kayla didn’t have to go to her damn family and tell them. He hated knowing it. The breach of trust and privacy. The stubborn fear that his past could become more fodder for their disapproval and judgment.

Kayla so intensely believed him and felt sorry for him that she asked her family to… what? Help him? Come to his rescue? He assumed that was her motivation.

So now, here was Rob.

Questioning his behavior was a strange reason for Rob to visit, but Jim refused to think too much about it. Kayla was honest when she said he didn’t know if he were an alcoholic.

“No one knew I drank because I lived alone and I kept it to myself. Considering my peers, drinking when and how I did was wrong. So when I told Kayla, I didn’t know what normal drinking is, it’s because I don’t know what I’m doing. You know about my father. Do you think that pedophile, cult leader taught me responsible drinking habits? There was nothing normal. Ever. I never lived in a home or had a mom or anything so I don’t know what normal is.”

Rob’s face showed total disbelief and surprise. “I didn’t think you’d be so honest.”

“I don’t have much left to protect in my life.” He waved his hand at his pathetic apartment. “Books. Trying to be a decent pastor, the church, and now Jimmy is threatening to take that away.” He wondered if he should admit the next thought, but there wasn’t much pride left inside him. He wasn’t sure if Kayla still wanted him like he did her. Whatever they shared must have been deep or he would not want her so much.

“And?” Rob prompted.

“And Kayla.”

Rob sighed and leaned back, folding his arms over his chest. “So knowing that she brought me into this doesn’t make you angry? Now do you see her fear? And you must care because you’re worried about losing her?”

“Yes. To all of it.”

Rob sat upright. “Then maybe you won’t be a rabbit hole for her. Understand this, Jim, I don’t want any of my daughters falling in love or whatever you want to call it, with a guy in denial about his addiction. Or the potential of having one. I don’t know how bad yours is or maybe it isn’t yet, but I can see the warning signs. You’re probably nowhere near how I was at my worst, but I didn’t start out there.”

He nodded hollowly. “How did you start?”

“I can’t remember my first drink. That’s the scary part for me. I started drinking heavily when I was twelve but I never remember a time when I didn’t drink. So I can’t say exactly when I went from spotty drinking to daily to problematic.”

“I drank when I was twelve too.”

“It might not mean anything. You had a pile of shit to live with and that’s what got you through. But there are warning signs and Kayla was right to spot them and sound the alarms. If you don’t see them or didn’t understand why she did it, I hope you’ll listen now.”

“What? I am. I’m listening. I don’t know. What should I do?”

“Don’t drink. Right now, if you can stop drinking, then don’t drink. Don’t push it or risk it. If you still have the self-control and the ability to stop, then stop. Don’t drink at all. You can’t be a drunk if you don’t drink. Decide to live with sobriety and surround yourself with the people who will support you in that. And then do it. If you break that promise, then you have to realize you have the potential for a huge problem and you must get help.”

“Just don’t drink?”

Rob nodded. “Just don’t drink. Can you do that?”

He shrugged. “Right now, at this moment? Sure, I can. I can make that promise. But I made the same promise with another personal thing and didn’t keep it. So I can’t…”

Rob sighed, rubbing his head. “Sex? You vowed to wait until marriage and then you didn’t.”

God, give him strength. How could he face this? Rob seemed distressed. Finally,