Zenith in Love (Zenith Series #5) - Leanne Davis Page 0,75
through his hair. “No. Nothing regular.”
“Then explain it to me. Or I’ll leave right now and I swear to God, you will never see me again.”
He cleared his throat. She waited, tapping her toe. “Okay, Jim. This was fun, yeah. I can see that’s all it meant to you. A drunken hook-up that didn’t leave. Or… what? You had sex and casually remembered it was fun? Whatever. It all started because you were drunk and I didn’t realize it. Not really. Even though you told me. So I can’t fault you there.” She got to her feet and started to pass him.
His hand snaked up and grabbed her, and he half pulled her to him while rising to grip her better. He buried his face in her hair. “Don’t go. Don’t leave me. You… you’re all I feel connected to right now. The only purpose I have in life. I—”
Her body jolted with instant warmth at his desperate words. And she worried again. He sounded like he did that night in the hospital. Like he had nothing left to live for.
But calling her his only purpose in life?
“I what?” she pressed.
He grasped her wrists and held her back to stare right at her. “You haven’t heard everything. You’ll probably leave when you do. I don’t want to tell you the truth. But I will. I’m being totally honest when I say I don’t know if I’m an alcoholic. It scares me stupid that I already am, but I ignore those feelings and pretend I’m not. I rarely have a bender like this and once I’m sober and over it, I clean myself up and pretend it never happened. That’s not exactly right, but I manage to push it out of my head. You know how I compartmentalize things.”
“I think so.”
“Well, that’s what I do. I’m not lying. It scares me, no, it terrifies me. I don’t want to be addicted to alcohol.”
“What happened? Last time we were together things were so good. Or was that the reason for it? Your guilt or whatever made you decide we shouldn’t be doing this…”
His eyes sparked with the first sign of life today. Surprise. “It wasn’t about you. You had nothing to do with the cause this time.”
“Jim, what caused it then?”
“My father showed up.”
“Your—your cult-leading father? Oh, my God. How did he find you? Why did he come? When did you last see him?”
“I last saw him when I was seventeen and he found me living with the Zavarians. This time he spotted my name and picture in the news because of the—”
She almost smacked her head as she interjected, “The church shooting. And since you kept the Zavarian name, he knew it was you.”
“Yes. I wanted to change it. But that name symbolized the only legitimate family I had. Once I entered public school, it became my legal name. Changing it now would require transferring my degrees and all the work I’ve done to become a pastor. I’ve filled my role as Pastor Jim Zavarian until it’s all I know anymore. The name feels as real to me as my hands. And until you, that’s all I had to be proud of.”
Kayla shuddered and she asked, “You mean, until Kathy?”
“No, Kayla. Not Kathy. You.”
She tilted her head as heart skipped. Damn him for getting to her. “Okay, Jim I’m staying. You said enough to draw me back in. But I am still teetering on leaving forever if you display more hesitation or give me half answers. No matter how hard my questions might be. You have to be there with me. You have to quit with all the mumbling and avoidance of the answers. You have to tell me honestly without postponing your replies indefinitely.”
She pushed him back to sit and simply squatted in front of him on her knees, getting between his legs. His hands still held her lower arms tightly, like a new swimmer might cling to a lifesaver.
“You went by many different names. You were haphazardly raised by a lying, cheating, grifting, fraudulent cult leader. You moved around a lot and went everywhere. You lived on communes and sometimes had nice ladies that took care of you. Sometimes not. Why did you run away?”
He sucked in a long breath. “From the Zavarians?”
“From them. And from your father. Why is he here now? What does he want from you after all this time?”
“It’s complicated. Let me go back to the cult, when I was still in my dad’s care.”