Zazen - By Vanessa Veselka Page 0,73

to be to work together. Any regrets I had vanished.

The next morning Tamara and I were driving around and she wanted me to survey the land by Wal-Mart that was out a little ways from Breaker’s Rise.

“Wouldn’t it be great if we could wait until they close and sink that thing about five feet into the ground?”

We were driving back from the hardware store. She had her feet up on the dash.

“I would fucking love that,” she said, tapping the window in cadence, “it would be perfect.”

“It’s stupid, it wouldn’t work. Those things are single-story flat-bottom boats.”

I was in scientist mode and a little more dismissive than usual.

“Besides, it would take a zillion charges and wouldn’t do nearly as much a trashcan fire inside. They’re just like big tents. And even if you could figure out some way of doing it it wouldn’t be worth it. It’s just a symbolic target.”

“Oh, you’re one to talk about symbolic targets,” she said sharply, “fucking yoga studios and bubble tea?”

“Fuck you! I drew a picture. I pointed out the features of the problem as I saw it. I wasn’t planning to blow anything up for real. You did that. I didn’t ask you to and you didn’t have to.”

“Yeah, well, you didn’t mind claiming our bombs.”

I pulled over on the snowy shoulder.

“Oh my fucking god!” I laughed. “You did not blow up the dog track! Did you? That’s so fucking unbelievably stupid. And the bathroom? What was that? A strike against plumbing?”

“What do you care?” she screamed. “You were talking about leaving the country. And if you didn’t want anyone to blow up stuff on your precious map then you shouldn’t have left it around everywhere. You wanted someone to do it for you. That’s why you’re here. You want someone to do what you’re too fucking chicken to do and then you want to pretend it wasn’t your idea.”

“Oh fuck this! I’m walking.”

I opened the door and Tamara backhanded me in the ribs. I probably should have figured it out then, what really connected me to her, that invisible string. My sister, my torturer, my hero at Pine Ridge. But I didn’t. I was distracted by what she said because it was true and I knew it. I did want someone to do something, and I didn’t want it to be my fault. I wanted everything to be okay, everything to change, and no one to get hurt. I was ashamed of myself. I got out of the car and slammed the door. Tamara slid into the driver’s seat and rolled down the window.

“You’re such a friggin’ pussy, Della.”

She turned over the engine and pulled up beside me, idling.

“I don’t care if you walk. I won’t blame myself at all.”

I kicked the driver’s side door. She rolled her eyes.

“Oh why don’t you just get in and stop being an ass?”

“Fuck off.”

“You want to race?” she revved the engine. “Come on, John Henry, you can do it. Want to race?”

“Why are you so fucking stupid?” I screamed.

“Why are you so fucking sure you’re the only one having a hard time?”

Kimba eats glass. Tears of hate fall. I glared at the frozen fields. Steam from the tailpipe billowed around the car. The road was empty for miles in either direction. I felt my pride like a prison.

Tamara killed the engine.

“Really,” she said, “why do you think you’re the only one who hates it? Do you think I want to spend the winter eating canned fruit and deer jerky on a fucking farm waiting every night to see what bad thing is going to happen next?”

She blew into her hands and squinted at me. It had never really occurred to me that she had a problem with any of this.

“I don’t know what to do,” I said.

Those were words I don’t ever remember having said.

“None of us do and we’re all trying to figure it out together because there’s no other option.”

I let my new feeling of ignorance radiate. It was a quiet and gentle freedom, utterly foreign.

Tamara opened the passenger door. “It’s going to snow. Get in.”

Right then, I think I would have gone anywhere with her.

We got back just after lunch and the snow started. It was light and blew in swirls. Everyone was napping or reading or packing. The silence was so complete that when someone dropped a knife in the kitchen, even though I was outside, I heard it ring like a shot. I didn’t feel like sitting down or sleeping