The Zahir Page 0,44
Dress in such a way that everyone knows you're in perfect harmony. Never glance to the side, someone might be watching you, and that could bring temptation; it could mean divorce, crisis, depression.
"Smile in all the photos. Put the photos in the living room, so that everyone can see them. Cut the grass, practice a sport - oh, yes, you must practice a sport in order to stay frozen in time. When sport isn't enough, have plastic surgery. But never forget, these rules were established long ago and must be respected. Who established these rules? That doesn't matter. Don't question them, because they will always apply, even if you don't agree with them."
I sat down. There was a mixture of enthusiastic applause and indifference, and I wondered if I had gone too far. Marie was looking at me with a mixture of admiration and surprise.
The woman on stage sounded the cymbal.
I told Marie to stay where she was, while I went outside to smoke a cigarette:
"They'll perform a dance now in the name of love, in the name of the Lady."
"You can smoke in here, can't you?"
"Yes, but I need to be alone."
It may have been early spring, but it was still very cold; nevertheless, I was in need of some fresh air. Why had I told that story? My marriage to Esther had never been the way I described: two railway tracks, always beside each other, always forming two correct, straight lines, We had had our ups and downs; one or other of us had occasionally threatened to leave for good; and yet we continued on together.
Until two years ago.
Or until the moment when she began to want to know why she was unhappy.
No one should ever ask themselves that: Why am I unhappy? The question carries within it the virus that will destroy everything. If we ask that question, it means we want to find out what makes us happy. If what makes us happy is different from what we have now, then we must either change once and for all or stay as we are, feeling even more unhappy.
I now found myself in precisely that situation: I had a lively, interesting girlfriend, my work was going well, and there was every chance that, in the fullness of time, things would sort themselves out. I should resign myself to the situation. I should accept what life was offering me, not follow Esther's example, not look at anyone else, but remember Marie's words, and build a new life with her.
No, I can't think like that. If I behave in the way people expect me to behave, I will become their slave. It requires enormous self-control not to succumb, because our natural tendency is to want to please, even if the person to be pleased is us. If I do that, I will lose not only Esther, but Marie, my work, my future, as well as any respect I have for myself and for what I have said and written.
When I went back in, I found that people were starting to leave. Mikhail appeared, having already changed out of his stage clothes.
"Listen, what happened at the pizzeria..."
"Oh, don't worry about that," I said. "Let's go for a walk by the Seine."
Marie got the message and said that she needed an early night. I asked her to give us a lift in her taxi as far as the bridge just opposite the Eiffel Tower; that way, I could walk home afterward. I thought of asking where Mikhail lived, but felt that the question might be construed as an attempt to verify, with my own eyes, that Esther really wasn't living with him.
On the way, Marie kept asking him what the meeting was about, and he always gave the same answer: it's a way of recovering love. He said that he had liked my story about the railway tracks.
"That's how love got lost," he said. "When we started laying down rules for when love should or shouldn't appear."
"When was that?" Marie asked.
"I don't know, but I know it's possible to retrieve that Energy. I know, because when I dance, or when I hear the voice, love speaks to me."
Marie didn't know what he meant by "hearing the voice," but, by then, we had reached the bridge. Mikhail and I got out and started walking in the cold Paris night.
"I know you were frightened by what you saw. The biggest danger when someone has a fit is that their tongue will roll back