A wash of sadness comes over his brow. “But it’s not that I didn’t want the world for us, Thalia. I did. When I married you, I believed it would be forever.”
I blink, my eyes watering. “I did too.” I rub my lips together, staring at him, about to leap into the hard part, the part that needs to be said. “It was the baby, wasn’t it? It was Grace.”
He swallows thickly, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “Yes. And…Jesus, I am so bloody sorry that I wasn’t there for you during that. I didn’t…I didn’t know how to handle it. I wanted that baby more than anything in the world and…” he shakes his head, looking away, “I am so sorry to even admit this but, I blamed you. I blamed you, Thalia. I blamed you, and then I blamed myself because you weren’t so sure about kids to begin with and I feel like I pressured you into it and maybe that’s why you lost the baby. Why we lost the baby.”
My chin starts to tremble, my nose burning, an old wound inside me re-opening. His words don’t shock me because I knew they were the truth, but they still hurt to hear. All of it hurts, but maybe this is a pain we need to share with each other, since we never shared it before.
“I wanted Grace,” I tell him, coming over to him and putting my hand in his, holding it tight. It feels familiar in a good way. “I wanted her and I loved her and I know you did too. It broke the both of us and sent us in different directions. We were meant to be, but only up until that point, and then after that…”
“I was fool, Thalia,” he says to me. “A bloody fool. I was scared and angry and hurt. So hurt. I should have opened up to you but I didn’t. It was simpler to blame you, to hate you. To push you away because anger and resentment is a much easier tool to wield than sadness is. Grief is all-consuming. I didn’t want to feel it. I did everything I could not to feel it.”
“But you’ve been feeling it lately, haven’t you? Now that you’re marrying Patty. You’re worried about the future. About children. About losing them.” I sniff back some tears. “That’s why you reached out to me, even if you didn’t know it.”
He nods slowly. “I guess so.”
I give his hand another squeeze. “Then I’m glad you did. I’m glad I’m here. I’m glad that this is where my life has led me because I hadn’t realized how badly I needed to hear you say those words, say her name. To know you cared, to know you hurt. To know that we suffered the same, even if we suffered separately.”
“Thalia.” He puts his arms around me and hugs me and I hug him right back. This feels right. Not in the sense that I belong with him, but that I belong to this moment.
Life is happening for me.
We’re both being set free.
“I am so sorry I broke your heart,” he says to me.
I give him one last squeeze and pull back. “Stewart, you might have broken my heart, but you fixed my vision.” I wipe away a tear.
He does the same. It doesn’t make me happy to see such sadness in Stew but it does make my heart feel full. Like whatever cracks I had there are slowly healing.
Closure.
“Well,” he says, straightening up and clearing his throat. “I certainly wasn’t expecting that when I came to drop these keys off.”
“Neither was I. But I’m glad you’re here.”
“Me too,” he says. “Listen I, better go. Patty is waiting in the car. By the way, I parked yours just outside the front door. It’s grey. You’ll see it.”
I nod. “Okay. And thank you. I’ll see you at work tomorrow.”
“See you at work,” he says and then he gives me a quick smile before he leaves.
I turn around and let out a deep and shaking breath, leaning against the counter.
I close my eyes and think of Grace.
It doesn’t hurt as much.
Chapter 30
Thalia
“You ready?” Stewart asks me as we’re about to board the plane.
No.
No.
Fuck no, I’m not.
“Of course,” I tell him, faking a smile.
He narrows his eyes, watching me closely. “You sure? I mean, it’s Madrid.”
“I’m very aware of that,” I tell him, giving him a look that tells him to drop it.