You Let Me In - Camilla Bruce Page 0,54

mother and grandparents were not pleased by this book, I can tell you that. Dr. Martin’s star crash-landed in a pile of shit in their yard, stinking up the whole neighborhood.

“Where is this coming from?” Mother asked me on the phone. Screamed at me, really. “Why these allegations now? Is it because we weren’t there at the trial?”

“It’s just a book,” I tried to tell her.

“But it’s presented as the truth, Cassie. Everyone will read it. We won’t ever recover from this, don’t you have any compassion for your mother and father?”

“Not really, no. I haven’t seen any of you for a while. Sometimes I forget you’re even there.”

“Well, don’t you think that we at least deserve a little respect? Raising you was hard. You were not an easy child—”

“I know, I was bad, wasn’t I?”

“Yes, you were. You just never could seem to do anything right—and yes, maybe I was harsh at times, but that doesn’t mean I’m accountable for whatever became of you in life. What poor choices you made…”

I couldn’t help but chuckle at her outburst. Which only enraged her further:

“Stop laughing at me, Cassie! What is this? Your revenge? I will have you know that you are responsible too, for everything that happened. Had you only not been so ba—”

I hung up the phone.

I didn’t hear her voice again until the funeral.

* * *

I can imagine it was hard on them. The book caused a lot of stir, and the press was back on my case, following me around and snapping pictures, and taking pictures of my family, too, whenever they dared leave the house. I saw a picture of Mother once, on the front page of a newspaper, her head wrapped in a scarf, large Hollywood sunglasses. Olivia, too, wore hats, broad brimmed and heavy with ornamental flowers and bows.

I always refused interviews. I couldn’t stomach talking about it and wanted to keep my mock anonymity intact. Dr. Martin did a few TV shows, though, where he discussed “C—” at length with other doctors and survivors of abuse. In the end I think that book created a little more compassion for people who have been through a lot, and that’s worth something, isn’t it?

But then there was Mara.

* * *

I hadn’t expected her to react to the book in the way that she did. Hadn’t thought it would affect her much at all. She was fiery, of course, had always been that, but I hadn’t realized it would cause her such pain.

I even called Dr. Martin to warn him about the strength of her feelings:

“She is quite upset,” I told him, “now that she has read it. She is particularly upset about the story you told of her origins.”

“In what way would you say she is upset, Cassie?” Dr. Martin sounded wary on the other end.

“She is blaming me for not taking my revenge. She says that she will do it for me.”

“Cassie, I want you to take a deep breath and prod a bit inside yourself … Do you share Mara’s feelings?”

“No,” I said at once. “I don’t think it happened that way at all.”

“But you do, don’t you? You know what I wrote is true.”

“Truth-shmuth…”

“Cassie…”

“I’m sorry—I’m just trying to do what you say and prod my insides, but these are all just Mara’s feelings, not something that we share. I even feel a bit guilty—I admit—for not sharing them.”

“How come?”

“Well, it’s like she wants something from me, wants me to blaze like she does, and that I should be ashamed—she thinks me weak for not acting. For not ‘raising arms,’ if you see what I mean?”

“But you did that, Cassie. You did fight back, only you did it in your own way, and Mara is proof of that.”

“Because I made her up?”

“Just that. You fought back with the tools you had at your disposal.”

“Somehow I don’t think that will do as an explanation to her.”

“What do you think she will do, then, with these angry feelings?”

“I don’t know, but I’m worried.”

“Maybe you should consider hospital one more time? Or take me up on my offer and accept a prescription—”

“No, Dr. Martin. No. I will lose them all, then, and I don’t want that.”

“I understand that it’s hard to let go, but you wouldn’t want Mara to hurt anyone, right?”

“Of course not, that is why I’m calling you—for advice.”

“I am really obligated to tell someone if I think you pose a threat to yourself or someone else, or if I think that Mara does.”

“Do