wearing shorts that were more revealing than my underwear.
I wonder if Jill can look at him without thinking of all the ways Adam hurt her, cheating when he wasn’t at home, and practically ignoring her and the kids when he was. At least Abigail is a good kid; she takes after her mom. I don’t know how Jill manages to be everything to everyone all alone.
Alone, like I’ll be.
The hole in my stomach stretches, growing aggressively fast like Tommy’s tumor. I think I’m going to be sick.
“Hey,” Tommy says, sliding closer. “It’s going to be okay.”
“Easy for you to say.” I wipe a tear from my eye before it has a chance to fall down my cheek. “You don’t have to live without you.”
And there it is, the thought that’s been on the tip of my tongue, the words I’ve been holding back because I know how selfish it sounds. But it’s true. I don’t know how I’m going to do any of this without him.
“We still have time,” Tommy says. “In fact, we should probably make the most of it.”
I sniffle. “What’d you have in mind?”
Tommy rubs his hands together and there’s a mischievous spark in his eye. “Let’s get married.”
I laugh in spite of myself. “I said yes to Destin, isn’t that enough for one night?”
“Thank you again for that.” He reaches for my hand, tracing a line down my palm. I’m not sure if it’s the love or the life line.
“You’re welcome.” I hope he doesn’t hear the regret in my voice. When he closes my hand and brings it up to his lips, I lose all the resolve to keep the truth from him.
“I lied,” I say before I can change my mind again.
“About what?” Tommy asks. “You do want to get married?” His face lights up at the thought and I hate having to tell him no almost as much as what I really do have to tell him.
“Not that,” I say. “I lied about the real reason I don’t want to go down to Destin for the summer.”
It’s Tommy’s turn to look confused.
“You don’t know, do you?”
“Know what?” he asks, furrowing his eyebrows.
“About Monica.”
“Monica, my ex Monica?” he asks, surprised.
What happened between the two of them is the one thing we never talk about—with the exception of one time when I was hugely pregnant with CeCe. I had been tired and miserable and knew I was acting like a total bitch, but I couldn’t help it. I asked Tommy how he could bear being around me. And that’s when he told me.
Hearing the story in his own words was like hearing it for the first time, even though I had already gotten most of the details from Jill over a year earlier.
That night, I held his hand as he told me how he’d found a positive pregnancy test in their bathroom. He said he’d been beyond excited, but he didn’t let Monica know he knew in case she had planned something special to reveal the news. So he waited. And he waited. He even bought a silver baby rattle at Tiffany’s so he could surprise her back when she finally told him.
But one night a few weeks later, Monica came home drunk. Tommy lost it—as much as I can imagine Tommy losing it on anyone. He demanded to know how she could go out drinking when she was carrying their baby. That’s when she told him that she wasn’t.
He paused for a moment and I braced myself for the part I knew was coming: that Monica wasn’t carrying the baby anymore. She’d gotten it “taken care of.” She’d told him that she had her career to think about, and a baby would ruin that. Their baby. Tommy’s baby. The half brother or sister CeCe never had.
I have marched for women’s right to choose, but this woman’s choice affected the man I love. It was his baby, too. He should have been part of the decision. They were married, for god’s sake.
When he finished telling me the story that night, I perched on the edge of his lap and kissed him. His tears mixed with mine and he told me that nothing in the world would keep him from experiencing every single moment of this miracle that had been given to us. The good ones, and the less than good ones.
He asked me if I would mind if he gave our baby the silver rattle I already knew was hidden in the bottom of his