if you moved back home where I could keep an eye on you.”
“You mean, smother me, don’t you?” Mother retorts. “I’ve told you, Mother, I’m done living under your rules.”
“Gina, don’t be ridiculous. I don’t—”
“Yes, you do. You’ve always managed to chase off every man who’s ever been important to me, and then you try to control every aspect of my life.”
“I just want what’s best for you. Living life by the good book and finding a man who’s suitable to marry aren’t such bad things for me to want for my only daughter, is it?”
Mother sighs as she rolls out the last batch of dough before her. “No, I guess not, but all the men you pick for me are boring, and I don’t find them the least bit attractive.”
Grandmother’s nostrils flare. “And I suppose that monster who got you pregnant was better? Remind me where he is again. Oh, that’s right. He ran off and left you after his spawn was born.”
Mother slams her hands down hard onto the table. “His name is Xavier. He is your grandson, and if you can’t love him the same way you love me, you can forget about me ever moving back home with you.”
Grandmother’s cool blue eyes lock on to me, and I slink down, trying my best to become invisible to rid myself from the weight of her stare.
“By bringing him along with you, perhaps we’ll get to know one another better.”
That sounds nice, but I know she hates me. The only reason she tolerates me is because she loves Mama. When she’s not around, Grandmother calls me names and shoves me.
I tried to tell Mama about it once, but she explained to me that Grandmother has a right to discipline me when I misbehave while she’s not around. After that, I never told Mama about anything that went on when she left me alone with her. I would do my best to make sure I was never alone with Grandmother though.
Mama sighs. “No. I like being on my own.”
“You don’t want to come live with me? Fine.” Grandmother slams her purse on the counter beside Mama and then fishes a rectangular piece of paper out from it. “Then, understand this, Gina. There will be no more money from me. I will not pay another penny on this apartment of yours, so when you decide to go out on a binge again and lose this new job of yours, don’t ask me for another handout. The only way I will continue to help you is if you move back home, where you belong.”
Grandmother tosses the check at Mama, and it flutters down to the floor as Grandmother grabs her purse and disappears through the front door as quickly as she came in.
It’s quiet in our kitchen for a few minutes before Mama begins humming “Jingle Bells” and continues to cut out little gingerbread men. She bumps her hip into mine. “Sing with me.”
She smiles at me as we both sing, and when we’re through, she gently pinches my chin. “You have your father’s eyes, and I know you’re going to be just as handsome as he was. Only promise me that you’ll be a better man than him. Promise me, when things get hard, you won’t run away and leave me like he did.”
“I promise,” I tell her. I mean it with my whole heart.
I stare into her eyes, and I don’t know how she get the idea that I would ever leave her when my biggest fear in this world is losing her, the only person in this messed up world who loves me.
“Such a good, strong boy,” Mama whispers. She bends down to kiss my cheek.
A gasp so deep comes out of me that it wakes me from a dead sleep. I sit up, stiff as a board, in my makeshift bed on the floor.
Heat still lingers on my cheek from where my mother kissed me in the dream. I clutch my shirtless chest as I attempt to slow my breathing down, but it’s no use. Even though this wasn’t a nightmare, it still yanks me back to the past, back to the place where all I can do is think about my mother.
I roll over onto my belly and begin to do vigorous push-ups, counting out loud as I work my body into pain so that I’ll forget.
“One hundred twenty-seven...”
I keep going, but the pain isn’t bringing my normal relief.