X: Command Me through Alexander's Eyes - Geneva Lee Page 0,54
tug on my shoes. “I warned you. I’m so, so sorry.”
She still hasn’t spoken by the time I reach the door.
“What were you dreaming about?” Her soft voice asks behind me.
No. I won’t burden her with any more of my crosses. I spin to her, shaking my head. “I won’t ask you to carry my demons, Clara.”
She finally moves, but instead of backing away again, she walks toward me with gentle eyes. I see the forgiveness in them, and I hate the hope that springs in my chest.
“Maybe you could just let me hold them for a while,” she says.
“It’s too ugly for you. You’re beautiful, pure—”
“I’m far from pure.” She smiles a little as if testing the mood, but it fades when the air between us remains heavy.
She needs to understand that this can’t be laughed away. Clara needs to know that I’m not some broken animal that can be fixed. God knows I’ve tried to fix myself. She needs to see me for what I am: a lost cause.
I wrap my fingers around her throat. She needs to see that I’m dangerous. I see the lines and cross them anyway. I can’t help it. Maybe it’s because of the family I was born into. Maybe it’s my nature. Either way, I’m not her hero.
I’m her monster.
“You are my beautiful Clara,” I say, and I mean it. She’s every good thing I ever wished for but would never deserve. “That’s why I want to protect you from the world. That’s why I want to protect you from me.”
Tears well and fall like rain as she tries to blink them away.
Yes. She understands. I’ve shown her the truth, so we can stop with the lie. I will never be the man she needs. I can only cause her pain.
But when her mouth opens, her words are small yet powerful. “You told me once that you wanted to hear me beg.”
I recoil, sucking in a breath. “No. Not like that.”
I’m tainting her. My poison is infecting her. I need to leave before she becomes someone she hates as much as I hate myself.
“Please,” she whispers. “Please, X.”
What does she want? Why does she keep demanding more? Why can’t I tell her no—tell her to fuck off like I would to anyone else? Why do I always hesitate when I know I should leave?
“Do you want me to tell you that I dream about screeching metal and fire? That I wake up holding a pillow because I’m dreaming that I’m cradling my sister’s broken body?” I ask, hoping to scare her. “And that every time I wake up, I’m no closer to knowing what the hell happened that night? I can’t tell you anything because I don’t know anything!”
She stares like this is a surprise, and a familiar surge of shame consumes me.
“Have you spoken to anyone—” she begins.
“I’m not going to talk to a goddamned shrink. My sister would be alive if it weren’t for me. Period. End of story.” It’s not the end of the story, though. If she knew the truth, I would lose her forever. So, why don’t I tell her? It’s what I want. I want to liberate Clara from this mysterious hold I have on her.
“This isn’t your fault.” She places herself between me and the door. “It was an accident. Everyone knows that.”
She is strong. She is beautiful. She is so hopelessly naive.
“Everyone knows what they were told,” I bite out. “Don’t be stupid, Clara.”
I see the barb strike, but if it stings, it doesn’t wound. She crosses her arms in defiance. “You are not the first person to have been in a car accident.”
“It was a little more than a car accident.” A sliver of truth to assuage the guilt I feel over the lie—the one I will continue to tell her. The lie I will continue to tell everyone, even myself.
She pauses, wheels turning in her eyes. I’ve done it. I’ve scared her. Now I have to find the strength to let her go.
I don’t expect what comes next.
Clara holds out her hand—extends a lifeline when she should cut me off. “Come back to bed.”
I can’t save her. I can only destroy her.
Chapter Twenty-One
My bones ache to go with her, but I can’t deny what we both know. “You’re not safe around me.”
Clara’s eyes soften like an invitation. “I’m only safe around you.”
How can she believe that? Have I warped her this much already? She thinks she can trust me, but there’s so