information doesn’t always stick? Also, you don’t care about the specifics. All you really need to know is that the doctor burned the lining of my uterus to a crisp, and I haven’t had a menstrual period since. No longer having to carry around a diaper bag every time I go to Trader Joe’s or the movie theater is priceless.
It’s been three blissful, period-free years since I had a charcoal grill shoved into my vagina. I’m looking forward to living the rest of my life like I’m in a tampon commercial: recklessly wearing white linen pants, jumping into a crystal-clear cerulean pool while a camera zooms in on my spotless mons pubis as I balance at the edge of the diving board, soaking up puddles of blue food coloring with a plug of absorbent cotton, laughing wistfully with other emotionally balanced women over salad. My breezy new life is filled with earnest conversations atop light-colored couches, complicated yoga positions with my legs spread across a baby-pink mat, and carefree swimming in shark-infested bodies of water.
lesbian bed death
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever accurately predicted when your period was going to start?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever been properly fitted for an orthopedic shoe?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever pooped on a reliable schedule?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever cried inconsolably at one of those ASPCA commercials?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever enjoyed eating a Brussels sprout?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever shared an electronic calendar with another human adult?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever pretentiously carried an NPR tote bag?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever changed out of one cozy shirt into an even cozier shirt?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever gotten your inbox down to zero?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever had a preferred tea?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever sat through an entire concert?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever found a really good hand cream?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever declined an invitation to a boat party?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever been to an Eileen Fisher outlet?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever listened to two perimenopausal women murmur indecipherably, handing each other sections of the newspaper while reading over the tops of their glasses?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever fought for a majority share of the electric blanket on the TV couch?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever clapped your hands with delight at the opening of a brick-and-mortar Bath & Body Works?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever watched PBS?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever gotten up early on a Sunday morning to beat everyone to the car wash?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever lain really still in bed after your alarm has gone off three times trying not to move because you don’t want your pets to know you’re awake?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever spent an entire afternoon looking for a misplaced library book only to realize you returned it two days ago?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever accidentally tried to put on your partner’s bra in the dark?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever not invited one-half of a gay couple to ladies’ night just to set some shit off??
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever been to the wine store at 4 p.m.?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever eaten dinner in a restaurant at 4 p.m.?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever texted while driving and not crashed your car?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever googled a popular meme?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever spent several days meticulously menu-planning your book-club brunch?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever taken off your bra at the end of a particularly grueling day?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever argued about whether generic Advil is as strong as the real thing?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever “winterized” your car?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever accumulated nineteen different personal water containers between two people?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever debated takeout options for thirty-seven minutes?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever lit four different kinds of incense at the same time?
Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever passionately defended