been the one to lie. It had been her deceit that caused the chasm between them.
“I can’t praise the medicine when you administered the poison,” he said.
Her lids closed, and she shuddered once, as if trying to master agony. “It would be wrong and false to seek your forgiveness when I deserve none of it.” She opened her eyes, shining with tears. “All I can say is, I’m so very sorry, Noel. So sorry I was not honest with you. It was never right, what I did. It was all wrong. I was on the verge of losing the family home. Without that home, I’d lose my siblings, too. I was desperate to keep that from happening, and acted desperately, though that’s no excuse.”
She ran the back of her hand across her eyes. “Whatever you think of me, I want you to know one true thing.”
“Tell me.”
Her lower lip trembled—he remembered how she hated to show signs of weakness, but here she was, vulnerable and raw.
“Everything between us,” she went on, her words urgent, “was all true. Every moment we had together, I gave you my genuine self. There was no dissembling there, not in my words and never in my body.” Her smile shook as tears tracked down her cheeks. “Being with you brought me a happiness I’ve never known, and will never know again. I do not regret knowing you, but for the rest of my life I’ll regret the hurt I caused you.”
His body ached with the need to hold her, yet he had to deny that need. He had to deny everything because of her, and what she’d done. Didn’t he?
Goddamn this uncertainty. Goddamn her, and himself. Because he was flayed and had no idea how to heal.
“Your time is valuable, and I’ve squandered enough of it already.” She rushed toward the door, tugging it open. “Goodbye, Noel.”
He watched her go, his wounded heart following in her wake. The door closed and footsteps rushed away, growing fainter until they disappeared.
For several minutes he could do nothing but stare at the place where she’d stood. Her words rang within him—whispers that reverberated, growing and growing until they were as loud as screams. He’d never seen her so unprotected and exposed, but she’d had enough faith in him to be without defenses, knowing full well that he could have seized his advantage and torn her apart.
With her deception, she’d dealt him a blow that had proven nearly mortal. Certainly, it scarred.
But where did that leave him now? Where did that leave them?
He did not know if he could trust her again. But she’d trusted him, and that was something he could not cast aside.
A life without Jess . . . or a life with her. Damaged, yes, but wiser, and ready to move forward into an unknown but limitless future.
He wrenched the door open and raced down the corridor. Symes was in the entryway, making minute adjustments to a collection of porcelain vases.
“Where is she?” Noel demanded. If she was on foot, he could go after her, chase her down.
“The young woman looked distressed, Your Grace, so I took the liberty of putting her in a cab. She left several minutes ago.”
“She must have given her destination to the driver.”
“If she did, alas I did not hear it.” The butler clasped his hands behind his back. “Shall I summon the carriage?”
To run all over London, searching for her. Perhaps the kindest thing would be to relinquish her, allow them both to get on with their lives, because he was not certain he could ever truly forgive her. He was not certain of anything anymore.
Chapter 29
Jess stood at a safe distance from the workmen, hands on her hips as she watched the rebuilding efforts. The afternoon air was dense with pollen and sawdust, creating thick beams of sunlight as timbers were hauled into place. They would serve as supports for the roof for the open-air structure. New equipment stood nearby in crates, ready to be unpacked when the final nail had been hammered into the building.
It could not come fast enough. Three new orders were tucked into her apron pocket from shops across the country—Manchester, Liverpool, Birmingham—eager to stock McGale & McGale soap. And with those orders had come a missive from Mr. Daley. The Emporium was nearing the end of their supply of soap, and currently had a list of customers eager to buy more when the next shipment came in.