knew you weren’t out with your dad—we talked about it. We discussed it.”
Didi squeezed my left hand more tightly. She wore a lumpy ring that cut into my finger and I flinched, which I saw her register. “We discussed it, and we decided that you’re wrong.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? How can I be wrong about what I felt? About what I feel? If I can’t tell, then I’d like to know who could.”
“Trust us,” said Esther. “We’re experts. We can tell.” She was joking, but only halfway, and I hated her in that moment, a frank hot flush of hatred.
“I know it seems bizarre,” said Didi, still clutching. “I don’t mean this as some, you know, questioning of your judgment—”
“Nor as some judgment of your experience,” Esther broke in. “I mean, your experience is obviously totally valid.”
“Gee, thanks. Big of you.”
“Calm down, sweetie—”
“Let go of my hand. I’m not your sweetie.”
“Listen here,” said Didi, in her sharp, no-nonsense, long-lost radio voice, letting go of my hand and drawing herself up to her full height, which, even seated, was much greater than mine. The red neon of a Bud sign lit up her hair from behind. She’d become a giant fairy-tale genie. “Listen here, Miss Eldridge. Stop answering back. Listen to what we’ve got to say, and then we can talk about it. Okay?”
She made a mistake in using the word “we,” in including Esther, but I nodded as I pulled my hands to safety in my lap.
“Nobody is denying your girl crush.”
“Crush?”
“Objectionable term, but accurate diagnosis.”
“Crush?”
“I told you to listen, quietly. Hear me out. Okay?”
I made my eyes into slits.
“So, you’ve known for ages how you feel about this woman—she inspires you as an artist, she makes you laugh, she makes you feel alive. All these things are true, and wonderful and rare, and it’s also true that often they are linked to sexual desire. Up till now, you hadn’t made that link—because—”
“Because I was afraid to.”
“That’s not what I was going to say, actually. Because it availed you nothing. Because it wasn’t going to get you anywhere. Because you didn’t need to. Because it seemed to you as though your emotions were getting expressed well enough anyhow, your need for intimacy was being met, and that—the whole physical thing—wasn’t necessary. It wasn’t the point.”
“Okay, and so now that’s changed.”
“Wait. What I’m saying is that everything is always changing, from one minute to the next, and that maybe this sudden urge to kiss her, it’s more like a power surge than a permanent change in voltage—do you see what I mean?”
“What Didi means, I think …,” Esther began, but Didi knew me well enough to raise a warning hand.
“What I mean is that, yes, there was a moment when your affection and delight were bubbling over and seeking a means of expression and you wanted something more. Bang. In that moment you totally did. I’m not denying that. But I’m really wondering whether that’s actually some seismic Sapphic shift in you. You know that I of all people would be all for it if it were—there’s nothing I love more than women loving women. But in this case, I think Esther and I are in agreement here, we’re really wondering about that. It seems like this could be part of a different story, you know? A piece from a different puzzle.”
“What’s in it for you, to deny me my revelation?” I said, more petulant now than angry. “Why do you want me not to be in love with Sirena? Why?”
“The only person we care about here is you, Nora. I know you love her, but I don’t give a shit about this Italian chick. And I don’t want to see you throw yourself needlessly in harm’s way. I’m not denying your feelings, I’m just asking a question about the story you’re choosing to tell about those feelings, that’s all.”
I rolled my eyes. The overlap between my theater of annoyance and my actual annoyance bordered on the awkward. “Who made you my fucking therapist?” I said, my arm already outstretched to signal to the waitress that we needed another round. “I’m not paying for these services.” And I managed a laugh, though it came out more like a guffaw, and then I asked them about the obscure local women’s soccer team they loved and often went to watch, and how it was doing—not well, as it turned out. I closed the conversation down.