don't want her to be like me, but she can't learn that without an example. She needs me to step up, and letting my husband do this? No, he isn't hitting me, and I don't think he's cheated in a while, but I'm not sure. Or maybe I am. I don't know! I mean, he hasn't done anything I can prove is wrong to make me leave, but he hasn't done anything right, either. He doesn't love me, and the truth is that I just don't love him, either." I leaned closer and dropped my voice. "I can't remember the last time we had sex, but it's been more than two years!"
"Ouch," she said in sympathy.
I nodded. "And this is what I'm teaching Gabby is a good marriage? When she threw it in my face that her father walks all over me, I realized that I'm not doing this because I want to take care of her. I'm staying with him because I'm too weak to leave, and that does not make me a good mother. It makes me scared and helpless. It means I'm teaching her that some man's comfort is more important than hers. His wishes, his desires, and his everything gets put first because I'm too weak to stand up for myself, let alone my daughter! If I want her to be strong, then I have to figure out how to do it first. I need to stop rolling over and ignoring it, because all that does is prove to my little girl that this is how women are supposed to act, and it's not."
"Ok," she said, reaching out to grab my hand. "How long has this been going on?"
I swallowed. "Fourteen years, give or take?"
She nodded once. "And Gabby saying that was your breaking point, right? Have you talked to him?"
I nodded again. "Often, but lately, I've been seriously trying to make something change. I told him he was setting a bad example for his child, and he said she's making good grades. I told him I need more, and he said I've been fine this long. I keep trying to talk to him, but maybe he ignores me because I don't yell? I don't know, actually. All I know is that the harder I try, the worse it gets, and...." I sighed, feeling some strange sense of peace come over me, like what I was about to say would finally make it real. "I'm done, Ash. I can't make him change, and I don't deserve to put up with this. I know I'm not perfect. Trust me, I know that. I also know that if I don't do something, I won't come any closer. I need to respect myself first, right?"
"Are you sure?" she asked.
I nodded. "I've never been more sure of anything in my life. I..." The words failed me, but one idea kept rolling around and around in my head. I knew it would sound stupid, but right now, it was my lifeline, and this was Ashley, my best friend. The one person who seemed to get me better than anyone else. So I just had to blurt it out and see how she took it. "I want to be stronger. I want to be independent. I just want to wake up in the morning and be proud of who I am, and I can't do that right now. Not with him always pushing me back down, telling me to stop making problems."
"Ok." The look on her face said she was thinking, and fast. "So what's the first step? Because you know I'm always going to help. I just want to make sure you've actually thought about this. What's your first step, Elena?"
"I need a place to live, somewhere I can afford. I need to do this before school starts, since I will be taking Gabby with me. Um..." I reached up to scrub at my face, hoping I didn't look like a complete train wreck. "I know it's going to be hard, and Gabby will hate having the finances cut in half, but if I had a better job..." Then I stopped. "I dunno. Mine's got great hours, but the pay isn't enough. I could get a second, although then Gabby would be home alone all the time. Um... Yeah. Getting set up to live on my own is the first step, I guess?"
"How soon?" she asked.
I licked at my lips. "A month, maybe? The sooner, the better. I'm serious - the