tell you that I want to give up this power," he confided. "I can,t tell you what it,s like to be moving through the forest as this thing, this beast, this creature that can run for miles on all fours and then go up, up there into the canopy and climb for hundreds of feet, this thing that can so easily satisfy its needs...."
Jim,s eyes were moist, and his face sort of broken with sadness, with worry. But he only nodded, waiting patiently, every time Reuben paused, for him to go on.
"Every other form of experience is paling in the face of it," Reuben said. "Oh, I miss you and Mom and Phil so much, so much! But everything is paling."
He described feasting on the mountain lion, and what it had been like up there in that haven of branches when the lethal cubs had been circling beneath, how he had wanted to take Laura up there in that sanctuary. How could he convey this to Jim, the seduction of this new existence? How could he break through the tragic expression on Jim,s face with some flash of how dazzling and even sublime this was?
"Is this impossible for you to grasp?"
"I don,t know that I need to grasp it," said Jim. "Let,s go back now to this Marrok and what you,ve learned."
"But you can,t forgive me if you don,t grasp it," said Reuben.
"I,m not the one who has to forgive, am I?" asked Jim.
Reuben looked off again, beyond the gravel driveway, at the oak forest, so close, so dense, so filled with shadow and light.
"So what you know now is this," said Jim. "There are ,others, and these others may include Felix Nideck, though you can,t be sure. This man, Margon Sperver, he too may be a Morphenkind, with the names being deliberate clues, that,s what you suspect. These creatures have a terminology - Chrism, Morphenkinder - and that indicates tradition, that they,ve been around for a long time. The creature hinted they,d been around for a long time. You know that the Chrism that made you into this can sicken and can kill, yet you survived. You know that your cells have been altered so that once severed from the life force in you they disintegrate. And once that life force is extinguished, the corpse disintegrates. And that,s why the authorities have no indication of who you are."
"Yes, that,s it, so far."
"Well, not quite. This Marrok gave you the impression that you,d been brash, destructive, courting publicity that threatens the species, right?"
"Yes."
"And so you think the ,other, or ,others, may come to harm you, even kill you, and kill Laura as well. You,ve killed one of them, and they may want to kill you for that as well as everything else."
"I know what you,re going to say," said Reuben. "I know what you,re going to tell me. But there is no one who can help us with this. No one. And don,t tell me to call this or that authority! Or to confide in this or that doctor. Because any such move would spell the complete end of my freedom and Laura,s freedom, and the complete end of our lives!"
"But what is your alternative, Reuben? Live here and fight this power? Fight the lure of the voices? Fight the urge to go into the woods and kill? And when will you be tempted to bring Laura into this, and what if the Chrism or the serum or whatever it is kills her exactly as this Marrok indicated it could?"
"I,ve thought of that, of course," he said, "I,ve thought of that." And he had.
He,d always thought it a stupid cliche of horror films that "the monster" wants a mate, or spends eternity chasing a lost love. Now he understood that completely. He understood the isolation and the alienation and the fear. "I will bring no harm to Laura," he said. "Laura isn,t asking for the gift."
"The gift, you call this a gift? Look, I,m a man of imagination. I always have been. I can imagine the freedom, the power - ."
"No, you can,t. You won,t. You refuse."
"Okay, then I know I can,t imagine the freedom and the power and they must be seductive beyond my most feverish dreams."
"Now you,re getting it. Feverish dreams. Have you ever wanted to bring agony to someone who hurt you, ever wanted them to feel pain for what they did? I brought that agony to those kidnappers, to others."