Withering Tights - By Louise Rennison Page 0,46

rehearse in secret every day. But first we have to find some bikes.

But then fate took a hand in events at Dother Hall.

We were summoned to the hall. There were candles burning and all the blinds were shut. Even though it was a spanking hot day. Then Nessun Dorma began playing, you know, that classical thing they had for the World Cup when even grown men cried.

The house lights were dimmed and Sidone Beaver came out on to the stage in a veil.

A full-length veil. She had something in her hands.

She was moving in a very odd way. Like she had a trolley for her feet.

Bejesus, she did have a trolley for her feet! She was sort of being drawn along on it to the centre of the stage.

Then from underneath her veil Sidone spoke.

“I have here something…that says more than I could ever say in words about one of the finest artistes…it has been my privilege to work with.”

And Sidone held up a pair of ballet shoes.

And that is the world-breaking news. Madame Frances has left and we have a new performance art dance tutor arriving today.

Afterwards we were lolling about on the front steps outside, talking about Madame Frances leaving. I said, “Well, it’s sad of course, but look at it this way…Hurrrrahhhhh!!!”

We had been run run leaping for the best part of a fortnight.

Vaisey said, “What is she called, the new dance teacher? It was sort of like a James Bond name, wasn’t it?”

I said, “Well she can’t be any odder than Madame Frances, I mean—”

At which point an old sports car came hurtling up the drive and stopped in front of us in a shower of gravel. A person dressed entirely in red plastic, with huge goggles leapt out. She took off her goggles and underneath she had another smaller pair.

She said to us, “Just call me Fox. Blaise Fox.”

The weird thing is that I immediately liked Ms Fox. She is undeniably insane. We all agreed on that, but she is, well, I don’t know really.

For our first session with her she walked around looking at us. She had a riding crop in her hand and she said, “I am looking at you and you are looking at me. This is very good. I am looking and I am liking. You are looking and you are thinking, ‘I hope she doesn’t hit me with her crop.’ But that is because I am me and you are you. I am going to show you a film about the work I have done. Don’t be frightened.”

I have never seen anything like Ms Fox’s film.

There she was, dressed up as a German businessman on a train, sitting down with a newspaper, then she started slapping the commuters with her newspaper.

And then she was in a doggie outfit dancing around a kennel in a shopping centre.

And finally, she was scratching her teeth in time to some music.

After we had watched the film, she said, “Right, you’ve got four minutes. Go find something in the studio and make up a little performance with it.”

Wow.

And also wow.

And crikey Moses.

Everyone panicked and ran around the studio. I found an old bit of bandage backstage, I don’t think it was used. I really hope it wasn’t used.

I didn’t really know what I was doing. I wrapped it around my hand leaving a little mouth hole. Like a mummy. I think I was modelling it on the idiot boys without their ‘teef’.

Before I had time to think Ms Fox blew a whistle and shouted, “On the stage, let’s see it. You!” And pointed to people.

Even Jo looked rattled. She’d found two drumsticks and put them in her hair and started to speak Japanese, I think.

Flossie put on a lampshade and started being a catwalk model.

Next it was Vaisey. She got up and said, “This is Vaisey.”Then she put a curtain round her shoulders and said, “But this is Vaisey, Star!” And burst into song: “Fame, I’m gonna live forever, I’m gonna learn how to fly. I’m gonna—”

Ms Fox shouted, “Next!” And pointed at me.

I got up on stage and said, “Um, hello, Dad used to bring me stuff back from Egypt, and once he brought me a baby mummy.”

Milly and Tilly started sniggering.

Then I said, “And here it is.” And put my bandaged hand up.

Everyone was just looking at me. Like I’d gone mad.

I had.

I looked at the mummy. I said to it, “So you are an Ancient Egyptian, then?”

I made the mummy nod its