Withering Tights - By Louise Rennison Page 0,11

off sparks. There was a dead pigeon in the loo. Maybe electrocuted.”

As we got our tea and biccies I said to the other girls, “I don’t want to go on about Martin and his lute, but, where is Martin and his lute? And where are Martin’s mates?”

We looked at Jo.

Jo said, “Ahh, you mean Martin and his mates. Well, Dother Hall used to be mixed, but there was some sort of incident involving a game called ‘twenty-five in a duvet cover’ and since then boys are banned.”

I said, “What a swizz. Still, at least there’s Woolfe Academy.”

We asked Jo if she knew anything about it.

She said, “No, but I would like to. At home, I’m at an all-girls school.”

After break we were taken on a tour of the theatre department by Bob. I think he has given his ponytail a quick trim.

He was wearing a T-shirt that said ‘Fat men are harder to kidnap’.

Bob said, “Sit down on the floor, Mr de Courcy will be with you in a minute. Don’t play around with the lights, dudes.”

As he went out, we saw that his T-shirt had ROCK on the back and that he was wearing very low-slung jeans with a belt that had all sorts of hammers and stuff hanging off it. And unfortunately, I think it is pulling his trousers down. I didn’t want to look but there was something pale peeping out under his T-shirt. I think it may be his bottom.

One of the other girls said, “It’s theatre in the round.”

I didn’t like to ask what that was. Only round people are allowed to be in it? Probably.

The girl who had said “theatre in the round” was the big girl who Jo had fallen into the lap of. So perhaps that is why she was so au fait with theatre in the round. She had thick-framed glasses on and dark hair in a ponytail with a big, clunky fringe. So that you couldn’t see if she had eyebrows or not. She was looking at me.

I don’t know why, I had my knees covered up.

I looked back. I was trying not to blink.

She didn’t blink either.

I had accidentally entered a no blinking competition. On my first day at performing arts college. Things were hotting up.

Then the girl made her eyes go upwards so you could just see the white bits. Like in Night of the Zombies. It made me laugh. And that was the official end of the no blinking competition. We shook hands and she said, “Hello. You’ve got green eyes.”

I said, “I know.”

She said, “I know you know, but now I know.”

And I said, “I know.”

Two minutes later it seemed that everyone was chatting to each other. The zombie girl is called Florence, although her mates call her Flossie and she is from Blackpool.

I said, “Do you go on the pier and get candy, Flossie?”

She said, “Do you do that a lot?”

I said, “What?”

And she said, “Make really, really crap jokes?”

Jo and Vaisey said, “Yes.”

And she said, “I think I might like you quite a lot.”

A few people were doing handstands against the wall and the volume had gone up by a million when the door banged open to reveal a fat bloke. (I say things as I see things, and I couldn’t see the door any more, so I know I am right about the fatness.)

The bloke had little roundy cheeks, you know, the ones that look like there is a snack concealed in each one, for later. He was wearing a suit with a waistcoat. And a bow-tie. And he had tiny sort of piggy eyes. Or maybe they weren’t really piggy eyes, they were just squashed up by his cheeks.

He clapped his pudgy hands together. “Mes enfants, mes enfants!! Tranquil! Tranquil!”

Everyone did go quiet, but I don’t think it was because he had said ‘be quiet’ in French. I think it was the sheer size of his trousers.

He said, “I am Monty de Courcy, I have the privilege and the honour to teach you the wonders of theatre.

The magic of the-atre.

The language of the-a-tre.

You and I shall eat live breathe the the-a-tre. Let’s to work!”

CHAPTER 4

I don’t think I can go a whole thummer without boyth

Where is Martin and his tiny instrument?

In the afternoon we were told that we could have the rest of the day to explore, but first we would be given our assignment for tomorrow. We were to gather in the entrance hall in twenty minutes.

When we arrived, Sidone was