The world around me shifted to the moment at the funeral. My eyes locked on the grave as rain poured heavily, almost in anger of what had come to pass. My tears were as obvious as the heavy droplets of fury, the sky taking the opportunity to join in my sadness as the funeral had come to an end.
Father had said something. Darkness. How could I be afraid of this dark night when I still had the ability to see the light?
"No," I sobbed and lifted my little hands to try and wipe away the tears I knew would continue to fall. "Why be afraid when Brother has to live in the dark forever?"
I lifted my head to see Father. His perfect black suit was drenched, and his black-rimmed glasses were foggy. He knelt down next to me, not worried about the mud that would stain his finer set of clothes.
He placed his hand on my shoulder, gripping it softly and yet giving that firm support that I desperately needed. The support my older brother would give me whenever life got too hard and I was ashamed to let my parents know.
I wouldn't experience that anymore. He's stuck in the darkness.
"What if I told you that where your brother is now isn't full of darkness?" Father whispered. "What if it's a beautiful oasis? One of soft colors that spread throughout the sky, and where rivers can be anything, from clear waters to any drink you wanted."
"Including milk?" I asked.
"Including milk," he confirmed with a smile. I turned to look at him, my eyes already blooming with more tears as I looked into his eyes. He was fighting the sadness. It was so obvious as he displayed a smile that didn't reach his eyes.
How could it? He’d just lost his older son. One he loved and cherished more than me. He loved him longer, and he was taken away from us far too soon.
"I know you're sad," he whispered. "You're allowed to be sad, but I never want the darkness to frighten you."
"What if the darkness is inside me?" I asked. "What happens when my world seems dark and there's no one there to help me?"
"There'll always be someone there to help you," he assured me and offered his hand. "You know I'll always be there to protect you. That's my role here."
"To protect me?" I whispered. "Why didn't you protect my brother?"
"He had a duty to fulfill in this world, and he finished it."
"Why couldn't he have gone in his sleep then?"
"We can't choose when we go, Finnick. All we can do is pray for a peaceful end to the suffering we may endure on this Earth," he reasoned. "On this world, we feel pain. Just like we feel sadness, happiness, anger. When you're crossing the bridge from this world to the one way up there, everything begins to fade. The pain goes away, the regrets fiddle through the cracks, and the sadness of feeling like you've failed suddenly vanishes."
"Then...what are you left with?”
"Happiness," he whispered and lifted his hands to press on my cheeks. "You're left with joy because the pain is finally over. Your body swarms with new life because you've completed what you were supposed to and now get to go back home and be who you were before."
"Who you were before?" I whispered. "Did the same happen with Brother? Will I get to meet him one day?"
"You will," he assured me. "It won't be now, or tomorrow, or a year from now...but when you do, it'll be such a relief that you'll cry just as hard as you are now."
"I thought you said sadness would be gone?" I pointed out.
"It will be gone," he assured me. "Your tears won't be out of sadness, but of joy to be able to see your brother again."
"I miss him, Daddy," I whispered. "Is it okay to sad cry?"
His sadness began to show then as he blinked his eyes that were growing glassy. He slowly nodded and pulled me into his arms. "Yes, Finnick. You can sad cry all you want. Even if it's today, tomorrow, or years from now."
"Will you always be there to hug me when I need to sad cry, Daddy?"
"I'll do my best to always be there," he promised. "At least until I know you're surrounded by those who will love you just as much as I do," he whispered.