The Wit & Wisdom of Discworld - By Terry Pratchett Page 0,35
accident, wasn’t it? Pretty sure it was something like that. One minute human, next minute an ape. Funny thing, really … can’t remember what he looked like before. I mean, he must have been human, I suppose. Always thought of him as an ape, really. It’s more him.’
*
Magrat normally wore a simple dress with not much underneath it except Magrat.
*
Nanny subtly breaks the news of a death:
‘Well, now,’ said Nanny, ‘you know the widow Scrope, lives over in Slice?’
Quarney’s mouth opened.
‘She’s not a widow,’ he said. ‘She—’
‘Bet you half a dollar?’ said Nanny.
*
Esme’s skill at Borrowing unnerved Nanny Ogg. It was all very well entering the minds of animals and such, but too many witches had never come back. For several years Nanny had put out lumps of fat and bacon rind for a bluetit that she was sure was old Granny Postalute, who’d gone out Borrowing one day and never came back.
*
Granny Weatherwax had a feeling she was going to die. This was beginning to get on her nerves.
*
‘I do apologize for this,’ said the very small highwayman. ‘I find myself a little short.’
*
The dwarf bowed and produced a slip of pasteboard from one grubby but lace-clad sleeve.
‘My card,’ he said.
It read:
‘Are you really an outrageous liar?’
‘No.’
‘Why are you trying to rob coaches, then?’
‘I am afraid I was waylaid by bandits.’
‘But it says here,’ said Ridcully ‘that you are a finest swordsman.’
‘I was outnumbered.’
‘How many of them were there?’
‘Three million.’
*
‘You know,’ said Ponder, ‘this reminds me of that famous logical puzzle … There was this man, right, who had to choose between going through two doors, apparently, and the guard on one door always told the truth and the guard on the other door always told a lie, and the thing was, behind one door was certain death, and behind the other door was freedom, and he didn’t know which guard was which, and he could only ask them one question and so: what did he ask?’
‘Hang on,’ said Casanunda, ‘I think I’ve worked it out. One question, right?’
‘Yes,’ said Ponder, relieved.
‘And he can ask either guard?’
‘Yes.’
‘Oh, right. Well, in that case he goes up to the smallest guard and says, “Tell me which is the door to freedom if you don’t want to see the colour of your kidneys and incidentally I’m walking through it behind you, so if you’re trying for the Mr Clever Award just remember who’s going through it first” ‘
‘No, no, no!’
‘Sounds logical to me,’ said Ridcully. ‘Very good thinking.’
‘But you haven’t got a weapon!’
Yes I have. I wrested it from the guard while he was considering the question,’ said Casanunda.
*
Ponder Stibbons tries to explain parallel universes to Ridcully:
‘Parallel universes, I said. Universes where things didn’t happen like—’ He hesitated. ‘Well, you know that girl?’
‘What girl?’
‘The girl you wanted to marry?’
‘How’d you know that?’
‘You were talking about her just after lunch.’
‘Was I? More fool me. Well, what about her?’
‘Well … in a way, you did marry her,’ said Ponder.
Ridcully shook his head. ‘Nope. Pretty certain I didn’t. You remember that sort of thing.’
‘Ah, but not in this universe—’
‘You suggestin’ I nipped into some other universe to get married?’ said Ridcully.
‘No! I mean, you got married in that universe and not in this universe,’ said Ponder.
‘Did I? What? A proper ceremony and everything?’
Yes!’
‘Hmm.’ Ridcully stroked his beard. ‘You sure?’
‘Certain, Archchancellor.’
‘My word! I never knew that.’
Ponder felt he was getting somewhere.
‘So—’
Yes?’
‘Why don’t I remember it?’
Ponder had been ready for this.
‘Because the you in the other universe is different from the you here,’ he said. ‘It was a different you that got married. He’s probably settled down somewhere. He’s probably a great-grandad by now.’
‘He never writes, I know that,’ said Ridcully. ‘And the bastard never invited me to the wedding.’
‘Who?’
‘Him.’
‘But he’s you!’
‘Is he? Huh! You’d think I’d think of me, wouldn’t you? What a bastard!’
It wasn’t that Ridcully was stupid.
Truly stupid wizards have the life expectancy of a glass hammer. He had quite a powerful intellect, but it was powerful like a locomotive, and ran on rails and was therefore almost impossible to steer.
Shawn took a deep breath and leaned over the battlements.
‘Halt! Who Goes There?’ he said.
‘It’s me, Shawn. Your mum.’
‘Oh, hello, Mum. Hello, Mistress Weatherwax.’
‘Let us in, there’s a good boy.’
‘Friend or Foe?’
‘What?’
‘It’s what I’ve got to say, Mum. It’s official. And then you’ve got to say Friend.’
‘I’m your mum.’
You’ve got to do it properly, Mum,’ said Shawn, ‘otherwise what’s the point?’