‘#MiagotHugoed, and you’re all encouraged to use that.
‘Now,’ she said, in a more sombre voice, ‘the place in which we are all met has been duly sanctioned for the celebration of marriages. You are here today to witness the joining in matrimony of Mia and Hugo.’
Here, Mary paused and gestured at the bride and groom in case anyone wasn’t sure which was which. ‘If any person present knows of any lawful impediment to this marriage, he or she should declare it now.’
Mary paused and her eyes swept the ballroom.
She smiled. ‘Marvellous. Now that’s done I nee—’
‘I do,’ said Mia.
Mary’s smile fell and she leant in towards Mia. ‘Sorry?’
‘I have an impediment.’
‘You, the bride, have an objection?’ said Mary, looking confused.
Beside me, Patricia had frozen in horror. ‘Darling, are you feeling all right?’ She leant towards her daughter and hissed more quietly: ‘I think you might be having some last-minute nerves.’
‘Shut up, Mum,’ said Mia, before turning back to Hugo. He looked like he was about to soil himself.
‘You bastard,’ she shouted. ‘You miserable BASTARD.’ She started battering his chest with her bouquet. ‘No stripper, you said. NO STRIPPER! And then I’m shown a FUCKING video of you waving your penis around like a FUCKING LOLLIPOP.’
There were gasps behind me as Mary looked from Mia to Hugo like an ineffective boxing referee, her mouth gaping wide.
‘Mia, wait, I can explain,’ he yelped. ‘Ow! Mia, I’m sorry, listen to me.’
‘I’m never listening to you again, you fucking MORON,’ she carried on. There was another thud as the bouquet scored a direct hit on Hugo’s chest.
‘Henry, don’t just stand there, do something!’ said Patricia.
‘You pathetic WANKER!’ Cream petals floated to the carpet as Mia’s veil slipped down the back of her head.
‘Mia, darling, please listen to me. OW! That really hurts.’
‘Henry!’ Patricia snapped again at Dad, who was frowning at the unfolding drama as if trying to weigh up the most diplomatic way to solve it.
‘Oh, for Christ’s sake, come on, Flo,’ said Ruby, pulling me forward and stepping in between the happy couple.
‘Time’s up!’ she announced, trying to snatch Mia’s roses from her. ‘Mia, put those down. Stop it. Give them to me.’ Ruby wrapped her arms around Mia’s waist to pull her back from Hugo. ‘Flo, get the flowers.’
‘YOU TOTAL TOSSER!’ Mia screamed, throwing her bouquet to the ground as Ruby dragged her away and I stood, like a bouncer, holding one hand out at Hugo.
‘Let me GO, Rubes,’ said Mia. ‘It’s fine. Let me go.’
Ruby relinquished her grip and Mia took one last look at Hugo before gathering her lace skirt up in one hand and sweeping out of the ballroom. Ruby followed. I hurried after them as the stunned silence among the guests broke and excited chatter started.
‘Henry! Why didn’t you do anything?’ I heard Patricia wail, as the lift doors opened and I followed Mia and Ruby in. It wasn’t the moment to be fussing about stairs.
Mia didn’t say anything until the doors had closed, then she burst into tears and Ruby wrapped her in a hug. ‘It’s OK,’ she kept saying. ‘It’s OK, it’ll be OK.’
We made it along the corridor and back into our room where Ruby pointed at a bottle of champagne in an ice bucket. I nodded and filled up a glass.
‘Here we go. Drink this,’ said Ruby, pulling back and handing it to Mia.
‘I want to go home,’ she said. Her mascara had started to run and I watched a tear roll down her cheeks towards the dress.
‘OK, we can go home. Drink this and I’ll pack up,’ said Ruby, just as the door buzzed.
I opened it to see Dad and Patricia. She pushed straight past me and stood facing Mia, manicured hands on her hips. ‘Darling, this is all very silly. There’s no point in ruining today over a little tiff.’
Mia shook her head in silence, her eyes narrowed with anger. ‘It’s not a tiff. He’s a lying, cheating, and actually incredibly boring bastard.’ She raised the champagne flute to her mouth.
‘A little high-jinks on a stag do never killed anyone,’ said Patricia, waving a hand in the air. ‘Henry, back me up.’
Dad remained silent.
‘Everybody’s here, darling,’ Patricia persisted. ‘Everybody’s watching. And your father’s spent so much money. I’m not sure the champagne can go back.’
Mia drained the glass and lowered it. ‘I’m sorry, Dad,’ she said calmly, ‘but I can’t marry him.’
‘That’s quite all right, darl—’
‘Henry!’ screeched Patricia. ‘It’s not all right! Such a scene!’