not love him the way I should love the man I married, but I did care about him. I wanted good things for him and his life. I just didn't want the same thing he did.
"I'm sorry." My voice was gentle and soft because I hated that we were both in this position. "I shouldn't have said that. I was just...shocked."
His head lifted and I could practically see the hope spark in his eyes, which made what I had to say next suck even more. But I had to say it because he deserved my honesty.
"I care about you, Brian. I consider you a good friend, but I don't love you. Not the way a woman should love you when she accepts your marriage proposal."
He recoiled from me. There was no other way to describe it. "Good friend? You sleep at my house, in my bed, or I'm in yours, every time you're in town for more than a day. We talk on a daily basis. You told me you love me."
I frowned. "I've never said that. I wouldn't say that to you if I didn't feel it." Shit. Wrong choice of words yet again. "What I mean is that I love you the way I love my friends and if I've ever told you that, then that was my meaning." I knew I hadn't said the words but that wasn't an argument I needed to start right now. "But you deserve a woman who loves you with her whole heart and soul. Who thinks of you and is willing to put you first. And I'm not the woman who will do that for you."
Fuck, fuck, fuck. This conversation was not going the way I wanted it to go. I couldn't find the right words. The words that would explain how I felt without hurting him more. Saying the wrong thing at the wrong time was a talent of mine, one I had done nothing to cultivate but still excelled at all the same.
Brian shook his head as though he couldn't believe I didn't feel the way he did. "I can't believe this."
I reached out to touch his arm, but he stepped back as though he feared I had the plague. "I really am sorry that I hurt you this way. If I'd realized how you were feeling, I would have talked to you before now. I don't want to cause you pain."
He scoffed. "Then why did you lead me to believe you were serious about me?"
In my mind, I hadn't. Despite his insistence, I hadn't told him I loved him. I hadn't mentioned marriage, or plans for our relationship in the future. I didn't even have a toothbrush at his house!
However, I'd spent enough years dealing with my parents that I knew it was impossible to manage his expectations after he'd already made up his mind. All I could do now was be honest and sincere, apologize for hurting him, and hope that he would understand.
"I'm sorry if I did because that was never my intention." That was all I could say.
There was nothing else to discuss after that. Needless to say, the car ride to my apartment was awkward because he'd picked me up. He drove in silence, both hands clenching the wheel as if it were his lifeline. He didn't speed or drive recklessly, but I still couldn't relax.
When he pulled up to my building, I turned toward him. "I want you to have a good life, Brian. I sincerely hope you find the woman you deserve as a wife, because you are a good man with a good heart."
His jaw ticked as he faced me. " What I definitely don't deserve is the kind of woman who gets off on breaking someone's heart."
Though it remained unspoken I heard the like you he implied with that statement. But I didn't reply because I knew the futility of trying to change his perspective when he was hurt and humiliated.
"Good-bye, Brian."
And that was the last time I'd seen or spoken to him.
"Oh, my God. Ben Murphy is here. He must be looking to get laid."
I blinked as the woman next to me spoke and realized I'd been sitting at the bar, lost in thought, for a long while. Most of the ice in my drink had melted. I shoved it back and lifted a hand toward the bartender. She saw my signal and set about making me another vodka and club soda. She even remembered to add three lime