feel once I free-soloed. So I stand up, grab my rope that I left here for the rappel down, and I step into my harness.
All I want to do is run into their arms.
43
AKARA KITSUWON
We’ve been on the road for hours, and Sulli’s mood hasn’t lifted much since she descended the rock. Not even as we packed up all our gear and left Yellowstone. I thought she’d be happy after free-soloing Rattlesnake Knuckle. She killed it in under thirty minutes, and that half-hour felt like a full century.
Banks and I were barely breathing. Like maybe for every breath we held, we could give her more. When her feet touched the earth again, I surrounded her first, and she looked like she was about to cry.
“Sulli,” I whispered, my heart hurting seeing her that upset.
All she said was, “I thought it’d feel differently.”
I hugged her.
Banks hugged her, and I tried not to get in my head at how long she really hugged him. It’s good that he’s a source of refuge and comfort for Sul.
So good.
Very good.
Not a problem at all.
I tap the steering wheel, taking glimpses of the rearview mirror. Just to see Sulli in the backseat. She’s been staring solemnly out the Jeep’s window. Quiet as ever.
From the passenger seat, Banks glances back at her too with the same heavy concern as me. I didn’t know what she meant by I thought it’d feel differently, and she was too upset for me to press her on it.
Night has now descended, and the only noise comes from the forest-green Jeep as Booger bumps over potholes on the poorly paved road.
“Sul?” I call back. “Do you want to talk about it?”
She rests her chin on her knees. “I don’t know how to explain it.”
“Try us,” Banks replies.
“I just thought…” She exhales a heavier breath. “I just thought it’d be a powerful moment, being up there after free-soloing. A spot my dad once free-soloed too, and it…it wasn’t. It was fucking lonely, more than any speed-climb I’ve done. And I guess I’m used to getting out of a pool after an achievement and being near people. Even running through a finish line, I can turn into another person’s arms—up there, I was just alone.” She says the word from her core, like it’s full of a cruel nothingness.
Like it’s worse than death.
I’m used to being on my own. More than Sulli or Banks. After my dad died and my mom left for New York, I just had myself to go home to.
Being alone isn’t an unfamiliar concept to me, but I’ve built my whole life around a team of men. Around protecting a girl 24/7.
Around people.
Banks and Sulli have never known life without companionship, and I’ve been constructing something close to that so I don’t have to go back to a life without it.
So I’m never really alone anymore.
She adds softly, “Maybe it’s because I put pressure on the free-solo to feel something rather than look at the times and my speed. I don’t know…”
I swallow hard, her hurt pushing through my sternum. “It’s okay for things not to work out exactly how you planned,” I remind her. “I know it’s hard, but sometimes pivoting turns out better than you expect.”
“Like you did with security?” Sulli knows my goal wasn’t to be in security work. But my gym wasn’t an instant success, and I needed money and a backup plan.
Turns out the backup plan was almost better than the goal.
“Yep,” I say. “Just like me and security.”
Banks nods, then tells her, “Hang on to the moments you did enjoy. Fuck the rest.”
Her lips begin to lift a little. “I like that slogan. Fuck the fucking rest.” She leans back, crossing her legs on the seat. “The climb isn’t the only reason I’m bummed.”
I adjust my grip on the steering wheel. Tension stretching in the knowingness of the silence.
Red flush ascends her neck. “It’s over once we’re home, right? I have to choose.”
I nod slowly, my muscles stiff. “We can’t really keep up this bachelorette thing in the city, Sulli. People will figure it out.”
Banks adds, “I can’t keep a secret from my brother for that long.”
“Alright.” Her voice is small. “I’ll figure this out, I fucking promise. I’m not trying to string you guys along.”
We both assure her that we understand.
My muscles are tensed, palms sweating. How do I relax when I could be going home and losing her?
Bank runs a hand across his jaw, then his leg, looking back to Sulli.