Wild Swans - Jessica Spotswood Page 0,66

the Harlem Renaissance that Connor is really excited to take this fall. She’s the real deal, with a couple of chapbooks and poems published in various journals and magazines.

“Um, that’s okay.” More. Already, he’s thinking more and next. What have I gotten myself into?

“It wouldn’t be any trouble. I’m sure she’d be happy to do it.” Granddad gets up to fetch himself another cup of coffee, and I slump in my seat like someone’s let all the helium out of me. “I’ll email her about it this afternoon and she—”

“I said no!”

Granddad startles and spills his coffee. “Ivy, there’s no need to snap.”

I take a deep breath. “I’m sorry. Can we just take a minute and celebrate this? Please? I don’t have any other poems that are ready to share.”

He frowns, sitting down and straightening his paper with a rustle. “I thought that was our agreement, honey, that you’d keep working on your poetry this summer and submit several poems.”

Several. Not just one. The chant begins in my head: not enough, not enough, never enough.

“That was our agreement before I took on the Dorothea project and that French class. Before I had two sisters to look after.”

“I do appreciate that you made time for Grace and Isobel this weekend,” Granddad says slowly. There’s a but in his voice. He doesn’t come right out with it, just leaves me with that inadequate feeling hanging over me like a thundercloud. He checks his watch. “You better get going or you’re going to be late.”

“I thought maybe I’d skip the pool today so I can tell Luisa as soon as she gets here?” I hate that I phrase it like a question, like I’m asking for permission.

“Now, Ivy, don’t go getting lazy on me,” he chides.

Lazy? Seriously? “It’s summer! I thought we were going to celebrate! One morning off won’t kill me.”

“It might not kill you, but it won’t help you get ahead of that girl from Salisbury either,” he says, and I guess there is some truth to that. “Go on, now. We’ll have pancakes waiting when you get back.”

I could argue. Erica would.

Or flat-out refuse. Iz would.

But that’s not me. Never has been.

• • •

I run into Charlotte Wu, Alex’s Halloween party hookup and my swim teammate/rival, as I’m leaving the pool. We see each other here sometimes, me leaving the women’s locker room as she arrives for the last hour of free swim. Usually she ignores me or gives me a halfhearted wave, but today she bounces right over. “Hey, Ivy! Did you have fun at the bonfire Friday night?”

I nod, mystified by her sudden friendliness. I don’t even remember seeing her at the party, but I was pretty preoccupied. “Yeah, it was fun.” Not as much fun as if I hadn’t had to leave early and cart Iz home. I’d envisioned the night ending with Connor walking me home and some seriously swoony good night kisses, not a lecture from Granddad and the sounds of my sister vomiting.

“Who was the guy you came with?” Charlotte asks.

Ah. She’s not being friendly; she’s being nosy. “My boyfriend.” I blush, testing out the word, still shiny-penny new. “Connor.”

She grins. “He’s really cute. Is he a student here?”

I nod, pulling my bag out of my locker. “A sophomore.”

“Cool.” She fiddles with the strap on her blue swimsuit, pretending nonchalance. Badly. “So, you and Alex…?”

“Just friends. We were always just friends,” I tell her, and her resulting smile could power the whole swim center.

“Oh. I mean, I know he brought your sister to the party. Isobel, right? She seems really sweet,” Charlotte says, and I almost laugh because of all the ways I’d describe Iz, “sweet” is not among them. “Katie said that was just a favor though. Is he seeing anybody?”

“Not that I know of. We haven’t been hanging out much lately.” Which is an understatement, but his request for space is none of Charlotte’s business. How could I have missed her massive crush on Alex? It’s not like she’s trying real hard to hide it. Or maybe that’s only now that she knows I’m not a rival for his affection.

“Oh. That’s too bad.” She shifts from foot to foot. “I guess you’re pretty busy with your new sisters. I mean, new to town. I mean…” She winces. “I was there the other day when your mom—? I can’t believe she kept them away from you all this time. That sucks. My little sisters are a pain, but I don’t know what I’d