think I have the energy, tonight. Come lie with me.” Tauran pulled Kalai along. They left the tub in just their towels, not bothering to dress before sinking into their rented bed together, limbs tangling, Kalai with his head on Tauran’s chest.
They were both quiet for a long time, sleep pulling Tauran into its sweet darkness before Kalai’s voice brought him back to consciousness.
“Do you miss it?”
“What?” Tauran murmured, his eyes still closed.
“The sex. With all those people.”
The way Kalai said it made Tauran smile, but when Tauran opened his eyes and gazed at him, Kalai’s expression was thoughtful, not amused.
Tauran moved his hand from Kalai’s shoulder to his hair, stroking back the still damp, smooth strands. “I’ll tell you a secret,” he whispered.
“Hmm?” Kalai looked at him without raising his head, eyes dark voids in the dim light.
“I think I did it because I was afraid of being lonely.” He stroked Kalai’s hair. “I was young and stupid and terrified of silence.” Something inside him ached. He’d clung to people back then, basked in attention, good or bad. “After Itana died…” He swallowed, gazing at the ceiling for a moment. “The fear of loss terrified me more than the fear of silence, so I withdrew from everyone, but I was still lonely. I… don’t do well on my own.” He released a breath, the confession heating his face. “But then, I found you. I was so sure I would never deserve you, but I’m so glad you saw through my bullshit, because nothing’s ever felt as right as waking up with you, every day.”
Kalai shifted, pushing onto an elbow to catch his gaze. “You won’t have to be alone again,” he said, with such complete confidence that Tauran could only believe him. “You’ve got me, unconditionally. You’ve got Leyra. Arrow, too. And we aren’t going anywhere.”
Tauran’s hand stilled at the back of Kalai’s head. Gently, he guided him down for a kiss.
CHAPTER 37
Kalai hadn’t thought it possible to be so content and so on edge at the same time.
They woke together, ate breakfast together. Kalai brushed Tauran’s hair, tied it back and shaved his face. Tauran asked him to, and Kalai didn’t hesitate, because his hands didn’t shake. He felt better and stronger than he had in what felt like ages. He smiled at his own starry-eyed reflection in the mirror when Tauran came up behind him, ran his hands through his hair and kissed the back of his neck. Tauran complimented him, told him he looked gorgeous.
“I’m glad you’re having an easier time with the pills,” Tauran said, moving his lips to the other side of Kalai’s neck.
And there it was. The catch. Because he wasn’t. Not at all.
“I feel better,” Kalai said, because that was the truth, although his smile felt too awkward, so he wiped it from his face again, but Tauran luckily didn’t see it because he was too busy rubbing his nose behind the shell of Kalai’s ear and pressing his body against him.
Kalai was back on three pills a day.
It wasn’t permanent. He had upped the dose on the boat from Kykaros to Sharoani because Tauran had been so unwell, and Kalai had wanted to be strong for him, wanted to devote all his attention to him.
But he was dialing back down today, and he didn’t want Tauran to feel guilty for causing Kalai’s increased dosage, so he kept quiet. But it still didn’t make the compliments easier to accept, since he hadn’t, in fact, earned them.
Instead, Kalai focused his attention outward. They were in Sharoani. For the first time in months, he was back home. Even better, Tauran was with him. There were so many things Kalai wanted him to see, food he wanted him to taste.
They packed their things and fetched the horse. Before departing Genchira, they stopped by a tailor and bought them both new clothes, because it wasn’t even noon and Tauran was already sweating.
“I don’t understand how it can be this hot already. The Kykaros border isn’t that far,” Tauran complained, stripping shirtless in the middle of the street and donning his new sleeveless shirt instead. It was the largest size the tailor had, which still tightly hugged the curves of Tauran’s muscular shoulders, and, to Kalai’s absolute delight, rode up a good few inches when Tauran swung into the saddle of the horse.
They paid for a second horse, if only to disperse their supplies and take some weight off Arrow once they were back on the road.