said, stroking her fingers along his jaw, “why my friends stole those kisses.”
And though Tazia had no other such experience with which to compare it, she knew Stefan’s kiss was the only one she wanted. A woman knows, her mother had said to her once.
“When my father said for me to meet your father, I knew he was hoping for a match, for I’d already turned down three offers. But I was determined not to say yes until I knew—and the instant your father took my hand as we walked in the family gardens, I knew.”
It had taken Tazia longer because she hadn’t seen Stefan for a long time, hadn’t known the flesh-and-blood man beneath the Psy armor, a man of honor and courage and incredible heart. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, “for not knowing you.”
“How could you?” he said, one of his hands heavy and warm on her lower back. “I didn’t let you see me. I haven’t let anyone see me since childhood. Not even my Arrow brethren know me as you do.” He’d told her about the squad, about how he was a shadow member of it.
Swallowing, Tazia laid her head against his shoulder. “I’m the same. I haven’t let anyone truly see me either, not since I left the village. Only you know the real Tazi.”
He stroked her hair. “It is a gift you give me, Tazi. One I will always honor.”
As she lay in his arms, Tazia thought about what would happen when this break was over and they were back on Alaris. Would they return to their shells until the next time? The thought was unbearable. Yet, what was the alternative? That she become his clandestine lover? No, she couldn’t do that; it would be a step too far from the rules of her people. Slowly but surely, such a thing would break her heart into irreparable pieces.
And it wasn’t only her needs and desires at stake.
“What happens if someone finds out you’ve breached Silence?” she whispered.
Stefan’s embrace tightened. “Normally, for such a critical breach, the individual would be rehabilitated, his or her mind erased by a psychic brainwipe that would leave the rehabilitated near to a vegetable.” Speaking past her cry of horror, he said, “That’s unlikely to happen to me—I’m too valuable. But they would do their best to erase the Stefan you know, erase the part of me that says you are mine.”
Such a beautiful declaration hidden in the horror, such an impossible situation.
• • •
They slept and rested further for the two days that followed, and by unspoken agreement, they always slept together. Tazia well understood that she was breaking the rules in this, too, but knowing their time here would end all too soon, she couldn’t not steal the joy of sleeping in Stefan’s arms. Who would know if she broke faith with the teachings of her people? Her people, after all, had disowned her.
And yet, it mattered.
“I wish I could be like the new scientist on Dr. Night’s team,” she whispered to Stefan as they lay together on the bed, the moonlight coming through the blinds to create elusive patterns on their clothed bodies.
“Avril Lee?”
“Yes.” Avril had bright pink hair and a mouth that knew no boundaries. “I would like to not care what the world thought of me, not care about the rules.”
“If you were like Avril, you would not be Tazi.”
Her lips curved. “So simple?”
“Yes.” Playing with her hair as he so often did now, he said, “You told me we are shaped by life. Your life has shaped you into a woman who honors the ways of her people even as she walks her own path. There is nothing to be sorry about in that.”
Heart falling ever deeper for him, she thought of an eternity where all they could have were broken pieces of time, hidden from the world. Her soul keened. But to never have him at all? No, that was the worse sentence.
Could she become his secret lover after all?
Could she live with herself if she made that choice, or would her feelings of guilt poison the heartbreaking tenderness of the luminous thing between them?
She wished she could ask Teta Aya, or ask her mother, but there was no elder here to offer her guidance.
So she slept, her dreams a torment.
The next day, while they sat on the bed, playing a board game for no reason but that it was fun, Stefan said, “Your village is not far from here.”