And even when the sensations had passed, her thudding heartbeat was echoed by a sweet, hot pulse between her legs.
Her breathing had barely steadied when she felt him climbing off the bed. She opened her eyes and smiled at him, waiting for the next part, waiting until he gave her all of him. He stood by the bed, looking at her, and she was not at all shy about her nakedness now. Soon she would have his body too.
“So that’s why,” she said.
“Yes. That’s why.”
His voice was hoarse. She reached for him but he eased away. He swayed toward her, swayed back. He seemed unsure, indecisive. That was odd. He was always so decisive. Even when he knew he was wrong, he was very decisive about it.
His uncertainty infected her. She shivered, though she was not cold.
“Joshua?”
“What?” he snapped.
She recoiled, confused. “I don’t think that was all. We…” She did not have the words to say what she wanted. “That…that won’t make babies.”
“That was enough. I told you I could stop.”
He scooped up her nightshift and tossed it at her. She caught it instinctively and twisted the cool fabric in her hands as the door closed.
A click.
He had locked the door.
Leaving her naked and alone in the candlelight, with a wilting rose and that sweet, smug pulse fading between her thighs.
No sooner had Joshua fumbled with the key than his shaking hands were in his breeches. He stumbled across the room, fell to his knees, sought his own release with one hand, the other hand stuffed between his teeth to muffle his groans.
First was the utter pleasure, his mind still in the next room: Cassandra, oh sweet mercy, Cassandra, succumbing to the impolite desire, sweet and savage in her need. Her skin beneath his palms, her scent fogging his brain, her taste filling his mouth, her mewls of pleasure caressing his ears, and oh, sweet mercy, the sight of her. The intense quivers of her flesh as she came on his tongue.
But when his pleasure had passed, then came the self-loathing over the seed he had spilled, the sting of the toothmarks in his hand, and the hollow in his chest.
He had only meant to tease her, to taunt her. How had it gotten so out of hand?
But she wants me too, now. I have no doubt of that.
Yet he’d denied her that also. The most generous woman he had ever known, and he kept denying her, and himself. And what, exactly, had he achieved? All he had done was hurt her again, break the fragile bonds forming between them, and leave a mess on the floor.
Congratulations were in order. He had achieved exactly what he intended, except, perhaps, the mess on the floor. How stoic he was, how heroic and clever and strong. What a champion. What a genius. What a man.
He cleaned up, stripped off, washed in blessedly cold water, and crawled into his empty bed.
He had not slept here last night, he realized. Last night he had slept with her. It felt like a year had passed, packed into one day: Cassandra and Bolderwood and Isaac and Cassandra.
Bloody hell, I’m stupid. I should never have started that. I should never have walked away.
He punched the pillow, lay back down.
I could bed her without getting her with child. There are ways. I know.
He tossed over onto his side.
No, not fair. I promised to be honest; that would be the worst lie.
He flipped onto his back.
One time wouldn’t hurt. What are the odds she falls pregnant the first and only time? One time would be plenty and no harm done at all.
He tried his other side, bunched his fists up under the pillow.
I could have lost myself in her, let her lose herself in me. Yet I walked away. What an idiot.
I walked away.
He tossed himself onto his back and stared into the darkness, and a peculiar peace settled over him.
I did it. I walked away. I said I could stop, and I stopped.
He had nothing to worry about, then. Nothing to fear at all.
Chapter 16
The following day, Cassandra sat with Sir Gordon Bell and Mr. Das around the large table in Joshua’s study, waiting for Joshua, who was rumored to be somewhere in the house. She had not seen him since he left her room the night before, and she would be happy if she never saw him again. How could she look him in the eye, after her shameless behavior and his chastening