Who We Could Be - Chelsea M. Cameron Page 0,52

run after Gus herself and make him come back and make up with me.

“No, Mom. We’re fine. Can you just lay off?” I regretted the words the instant I said them. “Sorry, I’m just tired and I’m getting a headache. Goodnight.” I hugged her and Dad and headed for the shower. A hot shower always did the trick to relax me when I had too much to think about.

Once I was in bed, I scrolled through wedding pictures, looking at the beaming faces of so many people. The happiest day of their lives.

I had told myself over and over that a wedding and a marriage with Gus was what I wanted. I was going to have what these people had. We’d be happy together, forever. Meant for each other, ever since we were kids.

This was everything I’d ever wanted. Right?

I DIDN’T END UP SLEEPING at all, and I was pissy as fuck the next day. Somehow, I made it through work, but I got a text from Gus just as I was getting into the car that he wanted me to come over. I hadn’t talked with him since last night, figuring he wanted some space. I knew him well enough after all these years to sense when he needed to be by himself. Gus withdrawing was a huge red flag, and I’d honored that.

He was on the porch when I pulled up in my car, beer in hand. He held one out to me and I sat on the swing that held two people. He tipped back and forth in the rocking chair his grandfather had made, and that he’d restored.

“Are you okay?” I asked, breaking the silence.

“I’m not sure, honestly. I’ve been thinking about a lot.” He stared out across the lake. There were still a few boats puttering around, and more than a few people swimming, diving off the docks that jutted out where land met water.

My stomach twisted.

“Are you going to tell me about this ‘a lot’?”

Gus faced me. “I don’t think we should get married.”

I couldn’t breathe for a second, and then there was only one thing to say, “why?”

Gus glanced at the lake again. “I think...I don’t know if I want to get married. To anyone. This is one situation where ‘it’s not you, it’s me,’ is actually true.”

I waited for him to go on as he took a long sip from his beer bottle. I held mine so hard that my fingers hurt.

“I love you, I need you to know that. But I can’t love you the way you expect me to love you. I’m so sorry, Tessa.”

A mosquito landed on my leg. I didn’t bother to slap it away.

“What does that mean?”

Gus took a shaky breath. “I think I’m asexual. Or something like that. I’m still figuring it out myself, but I think that’s where I am right now. And I need some room to explore that, and I don’t think I can do that while planning a wedding to you. I’m so sorry, Tessa. I really, really am. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you.”

I sat back on the swing and tried to figure out what to say. People were coming out right and left these days. First Monty, and now Gus.

“So, you don’t want to marry me?”

“That’s the other part. I don’t know if I want to marry anyone. Or if I want to be in a marriage-type relationship. Sure, I know I could have a partnership and not call it marriage, but I need to figure out what shape that would take before I try to have it with someone, if I decide I want to. I’m also not totally convinced I’m straight, either.”

Holy shit, this was a lot.

“Jesus, Gus. Are you okay?”

He gave me a tight smile. “I’m supposed to be asking you that.”

“Are you?”

“I’m not sure. But I think I might be better than I have been in a long time. I just didn’t want to hurt you. Fuck, that was the last thing I wanted, you know that, right? I’m so sorry, Tess.”

I got up from the swing and wrapped him in a hug and kissed the top of his head, and sat on his lap, the chair tilting back and forth.

“It’s okay, Gus. I love you. I always have, always will.” As soon as the words were out, I knew they were the right ones. “We’ve been together so long that I think I just...went with it. I never questioned it.”

Gus’s revelation