share the rent. I’m sure my fellow employees will keep me in mind and recommend that anyone they know coming to the city or anyone looking for a new place to live get in touch with me. I’ll be fine,” I said. “I will,” I added, just as much for my benefit as his.
He nodded, his face awash in skepticism. “Okay, Emma. You come see me if anything changes and you’re in any sort of difficulty.”
“I will,” I promised, and left.
I didn’t really have to get to work yet. Instead, I did something I rarely did. I walked aimlessly about the city. I didn’t even notice the cold. It was nearly totally overcast, and the air smelled like snow. People rushed by me with more speed in their steps. They all looked more like people being chased. I felt like I was moving in another dimension, slowly, looking at everything through a wall of haze, almost a true London fog.
Marge once told me that it was dangerous to look directly into the face of another pedestrian here, anyway. New Yorkers were generally suspicious of someone’s sudden interest in them. The person who did that was usually someone looking for a sucker to sell something to or a panhandler.
“They read you like a billboard. For that reason, you’ll notice that people rarely give each other a friendly smile, something I’m sure you are used to seeing back in your smaller city. Terrible that hello has become dangerous, but it is especially true for a young girl like you, Emma. Be cautious, always cautious.”
I knew she wanted to give me this advice because of what had happened to me the first night here. I often overheard her describe me as a “sweet, innocent thing,” despite how long I had been here and how streetwise I had become. The person she was speaking to either said it loudly enough for me to hear or said it with his or her facial expression when he or she gazed at me: “New York devours sweet, innocent things.”
Was there anything left of the original me?
My whole rhythm was off at the restaurant when I went into work later. I couldn’t get myself to tell anyone that I once again needed a roommate. I thought I had time for that. I’d look too pathetic asking for everyone’s help so soon again. I had been so confident in Clara. She was supposed to be a long-term solution that would make my continual pursuit of singing credible.
Because my mind wasn’t on my work, I made mistakes, brought the wrong food, forgot to go back to my customers to see if they needed any refills, and even made two errors with the billing that so angered my customers that they stiffed me. Soon after that, I fumbled a bowl of soup, rushing to get it served and on to another table. It shattered, the soup splattering onto the trousers of a man in a gray suit. I could have dropped a bomb and had less of an effect. Mr. Manning rushed to the scene and immediately offered to pay for the man’s dry cleaning. I was practically in tears, apologizing. I was also at a disadvantage not having Marge there to help defend me. It was her day off.
Mr. Manning called me into his office as soon as I had a break.
“What’s up, Emma? You’re having a helluva bad day,” he said pointedly.
I sat staring down at the floor.
“Well?”
“My new roommate is leaving. She made up with her boyfriend, and they got engaged,” I said. “She’s leaving today.”
“I see. There you go again. And you’re still not getting along with your parents? No help from them?”
“Oh, no. My father is probably champing at the bit waiting for me to go rushing back to beg his forgiveness.”
“I’m sure he’s in pain about it, too.”
“Not in the way you think, Mr. Manning, not my father. Sometimes he leads me to believe I had borrowed my life from him and would be in endless debt.”
He took a deep breath. “I’ve been giving Billy monthly reports about you. You haven’t written or called him?”
“No, I have nothing good yet to tell him, and I don’t want to disappoint him.”
“He’s pretty cool with it all, Emma. He’s been through it.”
“Failure, you mean.”
He held up his hands. “I’m not calling you a failure. You might want to step back and take stock, however. Maybe return to England for a while. Billy thinks you can get work