I know you meant to do something good for me. I really appreciate it,” I said. I kissed him on the cheek and then practically ran out of the restaurant and toward the subway station. I could feel the tears flying off my cheeks.
On the subway train, I sat with my chin in my hands, my fingers around my face, and stared down at the floor. I didn’t want to look at anyone. In my mind, I imagined even complete strangers looking at me and shaking their heads to commiserate. My head was an echo chamber filled with my father’s warnings. I could certainly imagine Julia shaking her head and waving her teacher forefinger at me, back and forth, like a metronome on a piano with the words I told you so chanted to the beat: I told you so. I told you so.
A few minutes later, when I emerged from my station and began walking toward my apartment building, the troubles and work of the whole day rained down over me. I felt fifty years older and more lost than ever. I had known it would be difficult; I had known that failure was the currency I had to live with until I had my lucky break, but there was no bounce back in my gait. I was walking like someone approaching her own funeral.
As I was turning my key in the door lock, I heard the phone ringing inside. It was Jon.
“I hope it’s not too late to call,” he said. “I called a little earlier, actually about ten minutes, so I assumed…”
“No, it’s fine. You didn’t wake me up. I’m just coming in.”
“I wanted to see how your audition went tonight. You’ll have me going all over the city with friends to see you perform, I’m sure.”
“It did not go well, Jon. You don’t have to worry about following my nightclub career.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I was just kidding, of course.”
“American bars are different from British taverns, I guess. I was foolish to think I could simply put on another dress.”
“Oh, you’ll find success. How about I cheer you up with dinner tomorrow night?”
“I’m afraid I’m going to be working a lot more hours for a while, Jon. Thank you, however.”
“Why more hours? You work quite a bit already, don’t you?”
“Piper deserted me. I’m advertising for a new roommate, but until then…”
“Oh, sorry.” He was silent and then quickly said, “Actually, think of it as having a silver lining. You could be better off with her out of your life.”
“That’s correct. I could be better off,” I said. “We’ll see. I must apologize, but I need to get some sleep. Thank you again for calling.”
“Sure,” he said, his voice drifting away even before I hung up the phone.
Every time you meet someone new in your life, you can’t help but wonder if you’ll ever see him or her again, if that will even matter. I certainly liked Jon. I didn’t know him long, and I’m sure there was lots more to learn about him, but, perhaps because of the way I was feeling, I wasn’t concerned. Maybe that was selfish and unappreciative, but right now, I was soaking in too much self-pity to worry about someone else’s feelings.
Once, Mr. Wollard had warned me, “You’ll have disappointments on the way up, Emma. Be kind to those who care. Sympathy isn’t always pity.”
I’d had no idea what he meant until now. When I said I was on a learning curve in New York, I had no idea how true that was. Marge once said, “This is a city in which sharks swim freely and eat people’s dreams for lunch, but if you’re successful, there ain’t no city where you’re celebrated as much.”
So far, more wisdom flowed in the restaurant where I worked than anywhere else I went.
Buck was very apologetic in the morning. I tried my best to look undisturbed and make him feel better about it and assure him I didn’t blame him. I was grateful to him for finding me an opportunity. One thing I didn’t want to see was everyone else pitying me. Marge obviously knew about it. She said nothing, but I could feel her watching me closely to see how it had affected me. As difficult as it was, I put on the expected happy face for my customers, but every quiet moment I had was jammed with concerns, now mostly financial.
No one had yet answered the advertisement for a roommate. I didn’t want to