the feeling was gone for a while, like a storm that had passed during the night. Or maybe it was like being put to sleep before a big operation. Which happened sometimes, Daddy had told him. The doctors put you to sleep, and you missed all the horrible stuff they had to do and just woke up better again afterward.
Right now what he wanted was the fear to go away.
Except fear wasn’t quite the right word for it. When you were afraid, it was of something specific, like being told off, but what he was feeling was more like a bird that didn’t have anywhere to land. Ever since this morning, there had just been the sensation that something bad was going to happen, but he wasn’t sure what. But if Jake was certain of one thing right now, it was that he didn’t want Daddy to go out tonight.
But the feeling wasn’t real, so the sooner he went to sleep, the better. He would be scared—or whatever the name for this feeling was—but when he woke up in the morning, Daddy would be back home, and everything would be all right again.
“No, you’re right to be scared.”
Jake jumped. The little girl was sitting beside him, her legs straight out in front of her. He hadn’t seen her since that first day at school, and yet the hash of scabs on her knee still looked red and raw, and her hair, as ever, was splayed out to one side. He could tell from her face that, once again, she wasn’t in the mood for playing—that she knew something was wrong too. She looked more scared than he was.
“He shouldn’t go out,” she said.
Jake looked back down at his drawing. Just like the feeling, he knew that the little girl wasn’t real. Even if she seemed to be. Even if he so desperately wanted her to be.
“Nothing bad is going to happen,” he whispered.
“Yes, it is. You know it is.”
He shook his head. It was important to be sensible and grown up about this, because Daddy was relying on him to be a good boy. So he continued to work on his picture, as though she wasn’t really there. Which, of course, she wasn’t.
Even so, he could sense her exasperation.
“You don’t want him to meet her,” she said.
Jake kept drawing.
“You don’t want your mummy replaced, do you?”
Jake stopped drawing.
No, of course he didn’t want that. And that wasn’t going to happen, was it? But he couldn’t deny there had been something a little strange about Daddy’s behavior when he was talking about what was going to happen tonight. Again, the feeling wasn’t precise enough to put a name to, but everything did seem a little off-balance and wrong, like there was something he wasn’t being told. But nobody was going to replace Mummy. And Daddy didn’t want that either.
But then he remembered the things Daddy had written.
They had talked about that, though, hadn’t they? Just like things in books, it wasn’t real. And besides, Daddy had been so sad recently, and this was something that might help with that. It was important. Jake needed to let Daddy be Daddy, so that he could be him for Jake again too.
He had to be brave.
A moment later, the little girl rested her head on his shoulder, her hair stiff and unyielding against his neck.
“I’m so scared,” she said softly. “Don’t let him go, Jake.”
He was about to say something else, but then he heard heavy footsteps on the stairs, and the little girl was gone.
Forty-seven
When we got back downstairs, Jake was still sitting on the floor by his picture, pencil in hand. But he’d stopped drawing now and was staring off into space. In fact, he looked as if he were about to cry. I walked over and crouched down beside him.
“You okay, mate?”
He nodded, but I didn’t believe him.
“What’s the matter?”
“Nothing.”
“Hmmm.” I frowned. “Not sure I believe you on that one. Are you worried about tonight?”
He hesitated.
“Maybe a little.”
“Well, that’s understandable. But you’ll be fine. To be honest, I’d have thought you’d be looking forward to spending time with someone else for a change.”
He looked at me at that, and while he still seemed so small and fragile, I didn’t think I’d ever seen such an old expression on his face before now.
“Do you think I don’t want to be with you?” he said.
“Oh, Jake. Come here.”
I adjusted my position so that he could sit on my knee for a cuddle. He