to rescue Pete from his thoughts. But what she had said was true. As terrible an upbringing as Francis Carter might have suffered, she had seen plenty of people emerge from horrific, abusive childhoods and grow into decent adults. There were as many paths out of hell as there were people, and the vast majority of them ascended.
She was also familiar enough with the original investigation to know that Pete had done nothing wrong—that he had worked the case as well as anybody could, even going above and beyond in his dogged pursuit of Jane Carter. He had followed his gut instinct, focused on Frank Carter, and eventually brought the man down. While he hadn’t been able to save Tony Smith in time, it was impossible to save everyone. There would always be mistakes you never saw in time.
And thinking about Neil Spencer, she knew she needed to cling to that herself. She didn’t want to believe that the things you missed—the things you never even had the opportunity to hit—could weigh you down so much that they threatened to drown you.
She turned her attention back to the paperwork, working her way steadily through the list of David Parkers.
“No.”
The papers piling up.
“No.”
The words formed a predictable pattern. No. No. No. It was only when she’d done three in a row without a response that she noticed Pete had been silent for longer than he should have been. She looked up at him hopefully, but then realized he had stopped paying attention to the forms on the table. Instead, he had his cell phone in his hands, and was staring at that.
“What?” she said.
“Nothing.”
And yet it clearly wasn’t. In fact, she couldn’t quite believe her eyes. Because Pete appeared to be smiling. Could that actually be the case? It was the smallest of expressions, but she realized she’d never seen even that before. He’d always been so stern and serious—so dark, like a house in which the owner stubbornly refused to turn on any lights. Right now, though, a single room seemed to be illuminated. A text message, she guessed. Maybe it was a woman? Or a man, of course; after all, she knew next to nothing about his private life. Regardless, she liked seeing this unfamiliar expression on his face. It was a welcome break from the intensity she had become used to, and which made her worry about him.
She wanted this new light to stay.
“What?” She asked it more teasingly this time.
“Just someone asking if I’m free for something this evening.” He put the phone on the table, the smile disappearing. “Which obviously I’m not.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
Pete looked at her.
“I’m serious,” she told him. “Technically speaking, this is my case, not yours. I’ll stay as long as I have to, but listen, you are going home at the end of the day.”
“No.”
“Yes. And you can do whatever you want when you get there. I’ll keep you up to date with any developments.”
“It should be me.”
“It absolutely should not. Even if we find the right David Parker, we have no idea how or even if he’s involved. It’s just a conversation. And I think it would be better for him and for you if someone else handles that. I know how much this case means to you, but you can’t live in the past, Pete. Other things matter too.” She nodded at his phone. “Sometimes you’ve got to leave it at the door at the end of the day. Do you know what I mean?”
He was silent for a moment, and she thought he was about to protest again. But then he nodded.
“You can’t live in the past,” he repeated. “You’re right about that. More right than you know.”
“Oh, I know how right I am. Believe me.”
He smiled. “All right, then.”
Then he picked up his phone again, and began tapping a reply a little awkwardly, as though he didn’t get many texts and wasn’t used to sending ones in return. Or maybe he was just nervous about this one in particular. Regardless, she was pleased for him. There was that slight smile on his face again, and it was good to see. To know it was possible.
Alive, she realized, watching him. That was what it was.
After everything he’d been through, he seemed like a man who was finally looking forward to something.
Forty-five
I’d arranged with my father for him to arrive at seven o’clock that evening, and he was so prompt in his timing that I wondered whether he’d arrived early