and anything I opened my mouth to say would be a lie. I couldn’t tell her that I loved politics because I didn’t. I did it on autopilot.
I did love writing though. I lived and breathed it once I was off the clock as Senator Freeman. The thought of writing for a living made something burn in my belly. It was the bright glowing thing I’d tried my best to bury under pounds of denial.
“Exactly. You can’t because you know I’m right.”
“I can’t drop everything to be a writer. I’d have to resign from the senate and…” I scratched my head at the thought then let my words fade away.
“And what? Nobody has ever in the history of the senate left their spot.”
“Nobody in my family, Xari. We were amongst the first black people in politics. Do you know how heavy that expectation is? My father would kill me where I stand if I told him I wanted to leave and pursue writing. In the real world, we do things we don’t like doing. This is the real world.”
Her eyes narrowed and her arms turned to wooden planks. Straight and stiff at her side. “And in the real world, you can do whatever the fuck you want to do. Especially someone like you who already has money, time, and resources. Nothing is stopping you from being what you’ve always wanted to be.”
“Look, I appreciate the support.” I curled my fingers around her slender wrist and tugged her closer to me. I hated the distance between us. “I’m fine writing my books and keeping them to myself. I don’t hate my life.”
“Disagree. But you know what? I’m not going to push. I’m not pushy.”
“Have you met yourself?” I raised her hand to my lips and kissed her inner wrist. “You’re the pushiest woman I’ve ever seen.”
“Lies.” She smiled a little. “Since you’re choosing to dismiss my expert advice to live your fucking life…I’m demanding a copy of one of your books to read.” My face warped into a frown.
“What?”
“I want to read your shit, Freeman. Do you have paperbacks or are they all e-books?”
“Usually, only Apollo reads my stuff. I’ve never let anyone else read it.” My stomach knotted up. I couldn’t believe how nervous I was.
“Aww, Apollo is your BFF. Cute. I want to read too. If the page I read was any indication of your writing style, I think I’ll like it…a lot.” I mulled over the thought in my mind. I didn’t know if I could handle her eyes on my words.
I put so much of myself into my books that it would be like looking inside my brain. I lowered my gaze and shook my head. I couldn’t let her read my books. What if she didn’t get the story I was trying to convey? What if I wasn’t as good as she thought I was?
Shit…what if I wasn’t as good as I thought I was?
“No, you don’t need to read my books. It’s just something I do as a hobby anyway.”
“Bullshit. If you could quit your job right now and write full-time for a living, you would. Wouldn’t you? Be honest.” Her challenging stare made me want to buck against her words and disagree for the sake of being a contrarian. Something with a stronger pull made me want to tell her the truth.
“Of course I would,” I folded under the pressure of the truth serum in her eyes. “That’s not an option though. Now, like I said, there’s no reason for you to read my books. Do you know how personal that is?”
“You can put your tongue deep in my pussy and fuck me relentlessly but you can’t let me read the words you wrote from your heart? You can’t get more personal than fucking.”
“You can. Fucking isn’t intimate. It’s carnal. Reading my words is an act of intimacy…at least it is for me.”
“You’ve heard me play the harp,” she countered, her voice pure and soft.
“You play the harp all day long though.”
“And you write all day. You heard me play something I’d never played before. You also made a request and I bared it all for you right there on the spot. I told you I’d never played that song. I was nervous about you hearing me if I messed up, but I did it anyway. You don’t think that was intimate as hell for me?”
I was rendered silent. She was right. I didn’t think about the fact that playing a new piece for