for now. For the first time, in a long time, Sophie felt safe.
On the way home, Sophie knew there was something she needed to do. And once she arrived, she went straight into the nursery and quietly closed the door behind her. Flicking on the light, she turned and drew in a long slow breath. She hadn’t been in here with the light on in so long.
Walking across the room, she sat on the chair next to Emily’s cot, her hand brushing the cotton of the soft pink sheets, Tigger smiling up at her from the duvet. As Sophie looked around, tears started to well. But this time, instead of going straight to her guilt and pain, Sophie forced herself to dwell on the good memories, allowing them to filter through her darkness. She studied everything in the room. In the corner was Emily’s favourite stuffed toy. A giraffe she had called ‘Gaf’, her childlike way of saying its name. He had gone everywhere with her, except on that last day, and she had slept every night with her tiny fingers caught up in his golden mane, spiralling her hands through the golden tufts to ease herself into sleep. Gaf now sat on the toybox, diligently, as if waiting for his playmate’s return. On the bookshelf over her bed, Emily’s baby books were piled up high, on the top, the creased pages of The Hungry Caterpillar revealed how many times Sophie had read that story to her. In the wardrobe, along with Emily’s other clothes, the favourite pink sweater Alice had knitted for her to grow into, which had sat untouched and unworn for over a year. Sophie sighed.
‘Darling, Emmy,’ she whispered out into the quiet, still room. ‘I’m here to say goodbye.’ Her voice started to crack as the tears began, but she pushed forward. She needed to do this. ‘Not to you, sweetheart, you will always be forever my girl, and there won’t be a day that goes by that you won’t be a part of my heart. But Emily, I have to move on from this pain. And though it breaks my heart, I also know if I don’t take this step, I could be sitting in this nursery for the rest of my life. I know you are in the arms of your grandmother who loves you so much. I know now, my sweet girl, that you didn’t come into my life with all your wonderfulness just to leave me with all this sadness. And I’m going to try, darling. I’m honestly going to try every day to only think about all the fun we had together.
‘Mum, I miss you so much.’ Sophie’s voice started to crack again. ‘So many things have happened that I have wanted to tell you about. And there are so many things I forgot to ask you about because I thought you would be here for so much longer. I love you, Mum. I always will.’
Sophie paused, and then continued, ‘Aunt Vivienne, I thought my job was going to be finding out if your reputation was deserved. But instead, your acts of courage have reached from the past and into my life and restored my hope. I now have a reason every day to fight my way out of the darkness. Because if I don’t, then everything you did, everything my mother and daughter were to me, becomes meaningless. I believe now that I didn’t find you, but that you found me, to remind me of what was truly important. Which is to live the life I have every day, even with the pain. I don’t know when I will see the light again, or how it will feel to be in the presence of that light after all this grief, but at least now I do have a reason to look for it. Because I have a choice to live, when you didn’t. I want to thank you. Thank you for your sacrifice and for showing me so clearly what bravery looks like.’
Sophie’s voice started to fade with the intense emotion as she closed her eyes and imagined all three of them together in the room with her. Her mother so wise and loving, her great-aunt so daring and strong, and her darling daughter, so perfect and joyful – all taken way too soon, but all of them there to encourage her forward.
Wiping away her tears, Sophie opened her eyes, and her heart felt lighter and warmer somehow, and while