this country.” His mouth twitches and he scuffs the toe of his boot against the grass. “Forced me to play bass when I wanted to be the singer. He was a forceful little wanker when he wanted to be.” Garrett sweeps his arm Alvin and Chaser’s way. “We struggled with how to help Jacob. Our hearts are broken too. Jacob was only twenty-three. He accomplished so much in such a short time and he wanted to do so much more. He lived his life to the fullest and touched thousands of lives.” His voice breaks again. He hangs his head and finally sits without another word.
Chaser stands, clearing his throat. He reaches over and squeezes Garrett’s shoulder. “Jacob could be as stubborn as he was passionate. He worked hard and cared deeply. The pages of his book will never be closed. We will always remember him through the music he wrote and the lives he touched.” He slowly turns his head toward the shiny black casket. “You will never be forgotten.” Chaser drops into his seat resting his elbows on his knees and head in his hands. Someone else stands to speak and I tune them out, focusing on Chaser.
I run my hand over his back and lean close. “That was sweet.”
“It was the best I could do without outright lying.” His fists clench. “I wanted to wring his neck more often than not lately.”
“You had a long, complex relationship.”
While one person after another walks up to leave a rose on Jacob’s casket, I study the people around us. Who was a true friend to him and who used him? How many of them helped him buy drugs, gave him drugs, or watched him shoot up?
Which one was with him in those last moments before they left him on the sidewalk to die?
Chapter Sixty-Three
Chaser
Grief’s a complicated emotion all on its own. When the person who died could be a real shithead sometimes, the grief comes tinged with guilt, resentment, and a whole lot of anger.
But how can you be mad at someone who’s dead? And am I really mad a Jacob or myself? I should’ve stuck with him that night. I knew he was on a downward slide. But I left him and now he’s gone.
Once we’re alone in the car together, I reach over and rest my hand on Mallory’s leg. “Thank you.”
“For?”
“Being here today.” I open and close my fists. “He was really awful to you at times, and—”
“He was your friend for a long time and now he’s gone. It’s normal to be shocked and sad, even angry.”
I turn her words over for a few miles before responding. “I’m definitely angry.”
“Just don’t let it eat you alive.” She gives me a sad smile. “I know you’re a big, strong man, but give yourself permission to feel what you feel instead of holding it all back.”
“What I feel is guilty for being mad at him.”
She sighs again. “Death doesn’t erase the effect someone had on other people. Good and bad. It’s okay to be angry about some of the things he did while sad that your friend is gone.”
Her words finally loosen some of the knots in my chest. “We don’t have to go to this,” I say as she pulls into the parking lot behind The Palace.
“I think we should.”
Alvin grabbed a ride with Garrett, and we meet up with them at the back entrance. “You two okay?”
“No.” Garrett tosses his cigarette on the ground and stamps it out. “But Jacob would be insulted if we didn’t get shitfaced at his memorial.”
The club’s somber. Low music, soft lighting, food, and drinks. Rich, the owner, welcomes us and gives us our favorite round booth in the back. On stage, a single light shines down on a life-size photo of Jacob.
Alvin and I side-eye each other.
Rich leaves a bottle of Jack Daniels at our table. Garrett and Alvin immediately start pouring shots for all of us. A few minutes later, Thom slides into the seat opposite me and leans forward. “I know you don’t want to talk about this now—”
If he mentions the tour, an album, or anything business-related, I’m going to strangle this motherfucker.
“Don’t fucking do it,” Alvin warns. “Not today, Thom.”
“We need to—”
I slam my glass on the table, making everyone jump. “Go, Thom. Now.”
Grieving or not, my scary biker scowl still works. He hauls his ass out of our booth, fading into the growing crowd.
Garrett slides out of the booth and Alvin scoots closer to Mallory