and it doesn’t look like the most relaxing thing a person could ever do, and it’s hard to watch someone you love go through something that looks like agony. But I did not freak out, and I did not leave you. What kind of an ass do you think I am? I stayed—of course I stayed. I looked after you and did everything you said to do. And when you came to after, I helped you to your bed, and tucked you in, and curled up next to you on your bed. And I would still be right there right now if I hadn’t gotten a call at midnight that Clay had gone missing.”
“You only left because of Clay?”
“I only left because of Clay.”
I tried to take that in.
“I told you I was going,” Duncan went on. “But you were so out of it. And you’d said that seizures make it hard to remember things. So that’s why I sent Alice—Babette texted her for me because I was in a meeting with the cops.”
I let all of those pieces settle into place in my head. “You didn’t … leave?”
He stepped a little closer.
“You stayed?” I asked. “Voluntarily?”
He nodded and stepped closer. “And now I’m back again. Trying to continue not leaving.”
I couldn’t look at him.
Somehow, knowing that he hadn’t left seemed to hurt worse than thinking that he had.
It sounds crazy, I know.
But it was like, I’d spent the entire day just trying to hold my heart together, and I couldn’t bear the idea of breaking it open again.
“I’m not a guy who runs away,” Duncan said. “I’m a better man than that.”
He was. He absolutely was. And suddenly my eyes had tears in them.
“You are a better man than that,” I said.
He leaned closer, like he might kiss me, but I stepped back.
I shook my head.
Duncan frowned.
“I can’t,” I said. “I can’t ask you to do this. It’s not fair to you. You’ve got enough to cope with as it is. I can’t ask you to be my caretaker.”
“Hey.” He reached out to try to take my hand. “Sam—”
But I edged away. “Don’t,” I said.
It was too much. The way I felt about him was too much. I was afraid to care that much for anybody. I knew now, after waking up alone, how vulnerable I was. And I just couldn’t stand it.
I pushed away from him, and then I broke into a run across the sand to the steps of the seawall.
I climbed them without ever looking back.
But I didn’t have to.
This time, he didn’t chase me.
* * *
It turned out, Alice and Babette were waiting for me up at the top of the stairs.
They came at me like I was a wild animal they needed to trap.
“What are you doing?” Babette demanded, looking almost angry.
But I shook my head. “I can’t.”
“Didn’t you hear him?” Alice demanded as the two of them followed close behind me. “He didn’t leave you. He stayed.”
“What—were you eavesdropping?”
“We were just waiting for you!” Babette said.
“So you heard that whole thing?”
“Yes, and you’re an idiot,” Alice said.
“Okay,” I said, turning to march away along the seawall. “We really don’t have to call each other names.”
But Alice wasn’t going to let me distract her. She followed. “You chickened out!”
“I didn’t chicken out! It was self-preservation!”
“The thing you want—the person you want—was right there for the taking, and you just walked away.”
Now I could feel my throat thickening. My face got wet with tears I didn’t condone. They just made me angrier. “It’s too much, okay? Hasn’t anything ever been too much for you?”
“Yes!” Alice grabbed my arm to stop me and turn me around. “Every single deployment Marco goes on is too much for me. Every time I say goodbye knowing I might never see him again is too much for me. But guess what? I do it anyway.”
She had me there. I looked away.
Alice went on. “I do it anyway because it’s worth it! Because I refuse to let fear make me small. Because being brave is good for you.”
“Great,” I said, turning to keep walking. “Awesome.”
Alice and Babette followed me. Alice went on, “You’ve been telling Duncan ever since he got here that he can’t let fear control his every move. That he can’t live in a prison to stay safe. But that’s exactly what you just did. You put yourself in a prison. How are you going to face him day after day like this? How are you going to work