virginity to a guy I spent a week in pretend with?”
He winced at her response and the absolute pain and helplessness in his eyes was one she had wished to avoid when she’d left his bed.
“Pretend?” he asked, almost disgusted. “Like I have to pretend that I didn’t see you cry into your phone.”
You coming back means remembering Charles.
Missing Charles.
Loving Charles.
I can’t talk about Charles with you.
“What I felt with you and for you was real, Julian. I couldn’t stay. You had a life you had to return to and so did I,” Stevie explained. It was as close to the truth as possible without admitting that she had fallen in love with him.
“You think I wanted to come home? Return to a life I had before you?” he asked in a yell. She didn’t miss the crack and hurt in his voice. And she knew she had been the reason for it.
She nodded.
Julian shook his head in disbelief. “I didn’t want that life. I wanted one with you. I didn’t care where you were from, but I was going to figure out my life around you.”
Figure out your life around me…
“No,” she breathed, shaking her head.
Then I did the right thing by leaving.
“Yes.” Julian sighed. “But I woke up and you were gone. Like you never existed. You didn’t even try to look for me when all I did was look for you.”
I would have found you.
We were going to have a child together.
I would have.
Just as Stevie opened her mouth to speak, her phone ringing sliced through their silence. She reached into her pocket and pulled it out to see Sophie’s name on the screen.
“I have to take this,” Stevie said, not meeting his stare.
“Yeah, take it,” Julian mumbled and took a step back. Whether to give her a form of privacy or not, she didn’t know.
“Sophie?” Stevie asked once she answered the call and brought the phone to her ear.
“Oh my God, Stevie. Are you all right? He heard your message and well… I’ll get him.”
“Sophie, don’t! I’m okay. He’s okay, yeah?”
The line went silent. Stevie knew it would be early in the morning in London, and it was foolish of her to call Charles’ old number. The number he kept active for her to listen to his voice, and if she was desperate enough, leave a message.
“He just nodded. He’s okay. What’s going on, babe?” Sophie asked, fear lacing her voice.
Stevie glanced over at Julian as he stared at his feet. She couldn’t confess that Keira’s pregnancy had triggered the memory of her receiving the news of her miscarriage. It meant being honest. And she hadn’t been honest with the people she loved for a long time. The only people who knew were Charles and Sophie, not even Jarred. But this was Julian. He deserved to know. She just wasn’t sure how to tell him.
It was four years ago.
It’s not like it matters anymore.
It wasn’t like he wanted to be a dad.
I wasn’t even ready to be a mum.
It’s not like he needed a kid around.
“I’m fine. I just… I’m fine, Soph,” Stevie stated, trying to level out her shaky voice.
“Give me the phone, Soph!” Charles demanded.
Stevie’s breathing faltered as she heard him. Tears brimmed her eyes. She’d broke the deal they made. She was going to go back once her degree was finished. Live and love Charles. Be something. But as Stevie focused on Julian, she knew that deal was about to be tested.
Or broken.
“No, don’t give him the phone, Sophie. Please! I didn’t mean to call. I’m okay,” Stevie blurted out.
“She doesn’t want to talk, Charles! Relax.”
“Tell her I miss her and I love her.” He sounded desperate. The same kind of desperation she remembered when they were on that bridge.
“You hear that, Steves?” Sophie asked.
“I did,” she answered, realising the extent of how large that hole in her chest really was.
“You want to talk?”
Julian lifted his head and the sad glint that consumed his eyes had tears sliding down her face.
I’m going to destroy you.
You’re going to hate me.
I lost your baby.
I’m sorry.
“I have to go,” Stevie said quickly and hung up before Sophie could say anything else.
Stevie glanced down at her phone, staring at the call history. In the past twenty minutes, she had called him more than in the two years they had been apart. She missed Charles; that she couldn’t ignore.
But I’ve missed Julian more.
She closed her eyes tightly and whispered, “Julian.”