“It’s okay, Ry.” She takes a breath and then asks, “Have you started looking for him?”
I nod.
“Anything?”
I shake my head. “I think it might be a lost cause.” But her question reminds me of all my other Googling, which provides me with the perfect opportunity to get far, far away from the subject of Michael. The news that the day care dilemma won’t be an issue next year should cheer up Mom at least a little.
“I almost forgot—I did some research last night,” I say. “UCLA has a day care for students’ kids. And they give you financial aid. So I can take Hope to California with me. I know it’s not gonna be easy, but I really think I can do it.”
She crosses back over to me, places her hands on my shoulders, and really looks at me. Then she smiles a sad, weary smile. “You know what, bud? I think you can do anything, if you want it badly enough.”
“So”—I pause—“I’m gonna go to practice.”
Mom nods. “Have fun.”
• • •
“I got your message last night,” Alan says as I run him through the basics of child care.
“And?”
He shakes his head. “I haven’t seen any of Meg’s journals in months. Since she was still…here.”
“Damn.”
“What exactly are you looking for?”
I quickly explain my theory about the checklist and he goes, “That’s so Meg.”
“So you think I’m right? About her leaving us some sort of message?”
“I guess it’s possible. Or at the very least maybe she left us each a journal. As a…” He looks like he’s searching for the word.
“Souvenir?”
“Or like a gift? But I don’t know where she would have left them if they’re not at your house and they’re not at my house. It’s not like she was going out all that much.”
“I know. That’s the problem.” But with every moment that passes, my desperation to find Meg’s journals grows. Because if I’m not going to get answers about how to be a dad from my father, then maybe I’ll get them from Hope’s mother. What if Meg left pages and pages of motherly wisdom behind? What if, even though she’s gone, she didn’t actually leave me alone in this?
At this point, I don’t care where the answers come from—Michael or Meg or somewhere else entirely. Soon I’ll be “Daddy,” and all too soon after that, Hope will be old enough to start remembering stuff, and I really need to figure out what the hell I’m doing by then, because I don’t want to permanently screw her up. So you can be damn sure I’m going to follow any lead that comes my way.
I hand over Hope and all her stuff and book it across town to school. I get to practice at 9:55.
“Brooks,” Coach O’Toole barks, not looking happy. “You’re late.”
“I know, Coach. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”
He nods toward the field. “Take your place with your team. We’re doing windows.”
I jump right into the passing and receiving drill, and after a few minutes, it’s as if the last year didn’t even happen. I’m back in time, the Ryden of old, the one who spent the summer before sophomore year hooking up with Shoshanna Harvey, swimming at the lake, drinking a lot of beer. The Ryden who knew absolutely nothing about baby feeding schedules or diaper rash or what the word metastasis means.
My foot connects with the ball over and over again, and each impact is like a jolt of electricity from a defibrillator. Out here on the field, I’m coming back to life.
Dave approaches me at lunch. “Dude.” He gives me a fist bump.
“Hey, Dave.”
“I didn’t know if you were coming today. You seemed kinda freaked out at the lake. And you’ve been totally MIA all summer.”
I take a bite of my sandwich and chew slowly, trying to figure out how to respond. I really don’t want to get into a whole discussion right now. Eventually, I go with, “Yeah, well, here I am. So what’s going on with you and Shoshanna?”
Dave’s eyes glaze over a little, and I know exactly what he’s thinking about. There are certain things Shoshanna Harvey is very, very good at. “Man, she’s amazing. I think I’m in love.”
I smile. He’s not wrong. Sho is amazing, in lots of ways.
“That’s cool with you, right?” he asks way too belatedly. “I mean, you’re totally over her, yeah?”
“Yes, David. I’m over her. I’m happy for you, man.”
He pops a straw into a Capri Sun and downs the whole thing in one sip.