they wouldn’t be a match. That this wouldn’t be the way my husband was saved.
‘He’s dying.’
Bill watched my face, trying to read me. It was so long since Mike had properly looked at me that I found this strange, part intoxicating, part suffocating. ‘It won’t come to that. They’ll find a way.’
Briefly, I rested my head on my arms as I sat at the kitchen table. It was late; it had been such a long day. Thank God again for Bill, making dinner, taking care of Benji. ‘Slicing up Cassie? I don’t think he would even want that.’
‘The transplant list, then. It’s designed to save people like him.’
But I knew people died all the time, waiting for organs. ‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I shouldn’t dump this on you.’ I’d no idea what Bill must be feeling, watching me fight for my husband. ‘I have to do everything I can for him. He can’t speak for himself and – for Cassie, Benj . . .’
Bill made an impatient gesture, as if to say I’d no need to explain. I felt he was waiting for something from me, the same feeling I’d so often had in college, when the frazzle of dawn would interrupt our long nights spent talking over cheap red wine or Nescafé. Back then I’d always ignored it – always gone running when Mike called. I couldn’t do the same again. We hadn’t talked about what was happening with us, the nights we’d spent together in the same bed, the fact he was now ensconced in my house, cooking my meals and caring for my children.
I looked up; Bill was standing in front of me with the air of a man about to say something important. ‘If Cassie’s not a match, I think you should ask Jake to get tested.’ I blinked. He said, ‘I know it’s crazy, but Mike is going to die without a donation.’
‘Jesus, Bill. Are you serious?’
‘I mean, the circumstances aren’t ideal. But Jake’s looking at some serious prison time, and if he donated to Mike the CPS might go easy on him, or even drop the case. I’ve been looking into it. He was under eighteen when it happened, so with time already served and various pleas, he could end up doing no time at all. And Karen – I know you two had words, but she can’t have honestly expected you to support her over Mike. You were in an impossible situation. I think you did the best you could. She’ll see that eventually, I think.’
How I wished that was true, that I’d risen above the tidal wave that had engulfed us all, handed things over to the courts to decide, done my best for Mike while at the same time sending all my good wishes to Karen, who was clearly suffering, even if she hadn’t told the whole truth. But I hadn’t.
‘That’s not entirely true,’ I said.
When I finished telling him what I’d done, Bill was staring at me. His skin had gone pale and his hands were shaking. ‘Ali, are you serious? You – you told the police Karen slept around? That she lies?’
‘She does! Bill, you’ve been away for years, you don’t know. You remember how she was in college – well, it never stopped. There’ve been so many men. Married ones, even. She slept with my husband for twenty-five years!’
Something had frozen between us. That feeling I’d always had, that Bill saw me as good and beautiful and important, it had receded.
‘Ali. You saw her. The blood, the way she was – shit, can you really believe she wasn’t attacked?’
‘We don’t know anything for sure. She was drunk . . .’
‘Ali.’ He almost didn’t believe me, the way he said it. ‘Listen to yourself.’
‘She’s trying to destroy us! He ended things with her, she was hurt, so she made it up. That’s what I think. I know it doesn’t happen all that often, a false accusation, but it does happen! Why not this time?’
Bill was shaking his head. ‘I’ve never seen anyone in such a state. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it – hearing those screams, then going downstairs, and the blood on her – the look on her face. She was broken.’ He stared at me. ‘Ali. You don’t mean it? Tell me you didn’t do this.’
But I couldn’t. And I knew then that this thing between Bill and me, it had not escaped the slow erosion of everything, and that even when you think you’ve