What If You & Me (Say Everything #2) - Roni Loren Page 0,104
cheat before my accident. She’d already realized her mistake,” he said, the words echoing inside him with shame. “I was just the good-enough guy, not the guy. She didn’t recognize that initially because she didn’t have enough experience to know what a true soul mate felt like.”
“I’m not her,” Andi whispered.
“No, you’re not,” he said. “But I also think you’ve been put in a position where you can easily mistake safety for feelings. I’m the safe guy.” His eyes burned. “I’m glad you feel safe with me, but I don’t want you to look up in a year or two and realize that what we have isn’t setting your heart on fire, that you should’ve dated around and determined what you’re looking for in a guy beyond ‘guy who won’t hurt me.’”
She blinked, quiet tears escaping down her cheeks. “You’re hurting me now. You’re telling me I don’t know my own heart, my own mind.”
His ribs cinched, a sick feeling moving through him. “Andi, you’ve never even had a slow dance with a guy. You don’t know what you don’t know yet.”
“Who the fuck cares if I’ve slow danced or not? And you’re right,” she said, frustration in her voice. “I can’t guarantee you that a relationship between us will work out. No one can promise that up front. But I can guarantee you that if we don’t try, we’re promised a zero percent chance. The only way to protect yourself from a broken heart is to never let yourself love anyone. And wow, that sounds like a fun life.”
He looked down.
She sighed at his nonresponse. “Come on, this isn’t you. Your heart told you the truth in there on that dance floor. This—whatever this is—is your depression telling you lies.”
His attention flicked upward at that.
“I know about those kinds of lies,” she said, earnestness in her voice. “I know what it’s like for your brain to tell you it’s safer not to try at all. Mine used to tell me not to leave the house, that nowhere was safe. Once I fought those back, it told me to trust no man, that evil lurked everywhere, that any guy would hurt a woman if given the chance. I still fight those demons, but I do fight.” She shook her head. “Your fight looks different, but it’s still a fight. Your demons tell you that no one could possibly want to be with you. That once I come to my senses, I’ll bail on you. They tell you that you’re somehow less than because of what you’ve been through. They tell you that you’re doing me a favor by pushing me away. And it’s bullshit. You’re an amazing man, Hill. Smart and sexy and brave. You think those women earlier were throwing around money at the auction for you because they were feeling charitable?”
He heard what she was saying, but she wasn’t seeing all the experiences she hadn’t had yet. She was like the girl who’d always lived in the small town who’d never been to the city. He was the boy who lived down her street in that small town. He would not tie her to him, would not hold her back from the world.
He took a deep breath and gathered up the guts to say what needed to be said. “We need to end this. It’s not good for either of us anymore.”
Andi gasped like she’d been hit in the stomach. “You can’t be serious. Are you hearing me at all?”
The betrayed look in her eyes gutted him. “Andi…”
“You give me a movie-worthy kiss, tell me you’re falling in love with me, and then break things off?” she asked, looking up to the heavens as if answers from on high would be forthcoming. “Why would you give me that only to take it away?”
He winced. “We promised we’d always be honest with each other.”
“But you’re not being honest with yourself.” She gave him a frustrated look. “You’re breaking up with me because you’re falling in love with me? Listen to that statement. That doesn’t make any sense.”
The words stabbed at him. “You deserve more than what I can offer you.”
She stared at him for a long moment, like she was trying to figure out a puzzle, testing out different pieces and none fitting. “You know,” she said finally, shaking her head, her tone changing almost as if she were talking to herself. “Maybe that’s true.”
He frowned, her agreement stinging.
Her throat bobbed, and her chin tipped up in that way