find myself gripping it tighter than I should. With my left hand holding open the curtains, I let my eyes adjust to the dark night and take count of the men outside.
I invited them in, but that’s against protocol. Fine. They can stay out there all night. I don’t care what anyone else does at this point. I just want to be able to sleep.
Exhaustion and disbelief weigh me down as I pull my robe tighter around me. A hot shower didn’t do a damn thing to calm my nerves. I’m so tired, I feel as if I could lie down and fall asleep in only seconds. But I know better. With the way my mind is reeling, I’ll be lucky if I can keep my eyes closed when my head finally lands against the pillow.
Reluctantly, I grab an overnight bag and begin packing. I only take enough for one night. Cody said he’d be back tomorrow and that’ll give him hours to install a security system up here. It’s plenty of time and I’m not staying at his place for more than just tonight. Especially when it’s only so that one of the two of us can have less to worry about.
We’re… we’re not boyfriend and girlfriend. We aren’t anything but friends who wind up in bed together. I barely even know a personal thing about the man. Much less the state of his place. I don’t even know if it’s an apartment or a ranch house or… whatever it is. Hope is nonexistent but I’m praying for it. The truth? The real truth? Even with the men outside, I’m so fucking scared. I’ve never been this terrified in my entire life.
It comes with the territory. The nature of my business is to be met with threats and stare them down while demanding justice. But from what I know, Marcus has his own version of justice and I don’t know where I fall in his eyes.
My breathing hitches remembering his steely gaze, but I keep moving, grabbing my earplugs, sleep bonnet, and lip moisturizer from the nightstand and tossing them into the small travel bag then zipping it up.
I pretend I’m not falling apart with every step. I keep moving, grabbing a sweater aimlessly and then two blouses for underneath. It’s when I’m folding them, the note coming back into my mind and the knock at the door of my office playing back in my head, that I nearly lose all control. Marcus is one beast and the threat is another.
The half-full bag sags on my bed as I cover my face with my hands and just breathe. I finally get dressed, and just breathe. Just breathe. It’s only once I calm myself down that I realize my hands are shaking.
Hugging myself, I sit on the edge of the bed, rocking slowly and pulling myself together. I let myself slip off the side, falling to the floor and leaning my head back against the mattress.
I could call my sister, but it would frighten her more than anything. What good would that do? I could call my father and he would overreact. He would make demands and attempt to take over… not unlike the man I just ended my last call with, but at least I can go along with Cody’s decisions.
I wish he were here. I need him and I don’t want to need him like I do, but my God I do.
Is it so wrong to want to be held and protected? It goes against everything in my nature, everything I’ve worked for, but right now I desperately need it. A little human contact that reminds me I’m safe and okay and nothing bad is going to happen.
Because every time I close my eyes, all I see are the photographs from various crime scenes. But instead of the victim lying there, it’s me. It’s my eyes that are wide open, staring aimlessly and my body that’s broken and lifeless.
Without thinking about it, I reach for my phone and text Cody as quickly as I can: Please drive fast. When it’s sent, I can’t take it back.
After wiping my eyes with a tissue and a handful of water splashed on my face, I give myself a cursory pass and pretend like none of that happened.
I take my time, reorganizing the bag and thinking about everything other than what happened tonight, grabbing some sleeping pills for safe measure before leaving my bedroom. I’m damn sure going to need them tonight.